


Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)

by needlesandink



Series: Journey [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Action, Adventure, Altamid, Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Bonding, Depression, Dresses with Pockets, Fluff, Genocide (Mentioned), Hurt/Comfort, Kick ass - Freeform, M/M, Married Spirk, Mind Meld, New Vulcan, Re-write, Sadness, Sex, Soul Bond, Spoilers, Star Trek Beyond, Tarsus IV (mentioned), Vokaya, Vulcan Kisses, Vulcan Mind Melds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-11-29
Packaged: 2018-08-27 00:02:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 40,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8379652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/needlesandink/pseuds/needlesandink
Summary: Alternatively titled: Where I Re-Write Beyond To Be a Hurt/Comfort Spirk Fic. OR: Where I Imagine Jim and Spock Got Together After STID and are Bonded in BeyondRE: OR: Where Jim Had The Necklace and the Dresses Have Pockets





	1. Logo and Prosper

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by Beyond as well as the wonderfully well written War Games by Seperis, that I have read about 6 times and still cannot get over. I really liked how they're relationship was written in that fic and tried to get something as beautiful as that.
> 
> ALSO BEFORE YOU READ: In this, Jim Kirk is experiencing signs of Depression. Whether or not that was Canon is unclear BUT- Depression can happen to anyone at any time and is a valid illness as real as any physical disease and takes time to heal. Even people who are happily in a relationship or have a good life can become depressed and feel desolate. There is no rhyme or reason for it, and just because someone seems to have a fulfilling and pleasant job/spouse/family/crew/ship/captaincy doesn’t mean they are immune to depression’s clutches. If you feel depressed reach out to a friend, parent, teacher, or trained psychologist to get help. You do not have to suffer, and you do not have to suffer alone.
> 
> (All chapter titles are from the various Star Trek Soundtracks, which were written by Michael Giacchino, who in my opinion is a musical genius.)
> 
> The title is a song by Journey.

Every morning for Jim was the same as the last for a little over 3 years. At 0500 in the morning, his alarm would go off, he would stretch in the now vacant and cold bed. Sprawl across the covers and lay, staring up at the ceiling of his room and contemplating how long he could stay in bed without being late to Alpha shift and still have time for breakfast.

He gets to lounge in his bed peacefully until about 0513 when a flood of warmth hits his brain like a mental blanket. He almost drifts back to sleep with a smile on his face each time it happens, the endorphins and overall comfort of it lulling him back to sleep. Until 0515 when the doors to his quarters _swoosh_ open and in walks in Spock, (“ _Good Morning, Jim.”)_  already impeccably dressed in his science blues and doing his little not smile at Jim. Spock wakes about 3-4 hours earlier than Jim does, meditates, and then proceeds to be the ever-efficient XO he is and goes to check on everything in the labs before coming back to their room.

This is Jim’s favorite part of the day.

This is Jim’s favorite part of the day, because once the doors to their quarters shut, Spock starts to undress. He folds his clothes neatly next to his boots and sets them somewhere convenient for him to slip back on. The wave of _lusthappylovecontent_ that flows from both of their minds always has Jim shivering and unconsciously grinding his hips up into the air, until Spock covers his body with his own and they spend a good part of their morning exploring each other’s bodies and gasping into each other’s mouths.

Jim will clean himself up after their morning activities, taking a shower, brushing his teeth and the works before pulling on his command gold and making sure he’s ready for the day. Spock waits on him patiently, taking his time with getting dressed again and making sure every hair on his head is in place once more. Jim will ramble and complain to Spock, who sits patiently on the bed, as he gets ready in the bathroom. And at around 0622 they will leave their quarters and head to the mess hall for breakfast, brushing their fingers quietly together as their door shuts behind them and they set out for the day.

Who they sit with in the mess hall depends on what everyone’s schedules are for the week. Usually it goes something like this:

Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday: Bones and Nyota, sometimes Pavel.

Monday, Thursday, and Sunday: Scotty, Hikaru and Pavel.

After they eat breakfast, they leave the mess hall at around 0653- the extra three minutes being for Jim to get a cup of coffee to go- and head promptly to the bridge to relieve whoever is in command of their stations until 0300.

Sometimes piloting a starship is exciting, the most thrilling thing that could ever happen in Jim’s life. The best thing to happen in Jim’s life besides Spock.

But sometimes it’s just… empty.

Deep Space missions aren’t all about first contacts and exciting space battles. It isn’t always discovering a new planet, a new species, a new civilization. Sometimes its star charting red giants that all look the same in a vast and relatively empty quadrant. Sometimes its Jim sitting in his Captain’s chair and going through PADD after PADD signing off on paperwork and doing the business no one else wants to do besides his workaholic First.

It’s not that Jim doesn’t enjoy being a Captain. He loves it. Or well loved it. He feels secure in his ability to command a starship and take care of its inhabitants. He’s no longer the scared, wet behind the ears 25-year-old that accidentally got command of the _Enterprise_. He’s mature now, he’s an adult. He’s almost 30 and has been in a relationship for almost 4 years and has technically been married in the eyes of Vulcan’s for 1 of those. But that doesn’t stop the feelings of longing for _something more._ He’s not sure what, he has everything he could have hoped for and more, but he just feels so lost.

There’s no other word for it.

He’s lost.

As the anniversary of the Kelvin Disaster approaches, he can’t help but feel like he’s a facsimile of a person, an imposter. A wannabe trying to out show his dad and live up to stupid dare that he could command a starship for more than 8 minutes. A dare to _do better_. He still doesn’t feel like he’s done better. Doesn’t feel like there is a scale that could compare him to his father that he never knew. He wants more than anything to snap out of it. These thoughts of longing and loneliness and just sadness, seeping into his very wellbeing.

It’s hard to hide your thoughts when you’re mentally bonded to a Vulcan. It’s hard to hide your thoughts when you’re always and never touching a touch telepath. But it’s possible.

Spock has a strict moral code, and doesn’t try to intrude on Jim’s deep personal thoughts unless Jim invites him to. So, when Spock picks up on some sadness from Jim’s side of the bond, Jim brushes it off as it being him being an emotional human as it nears closer to the Kelvin date, and Spock believes him.

Jim feels bad on top of these depressing feelings for lying to Spock. Spock, who is so sweet, gentle and loving- although will deny all those words being used to describe him- and only wants Jim to be happy, Jim feels like shit for lying. Spock, who has lost so much already and still stays so strong.

Jim is beginning to think that his and Spock’s relationship is suffering a bit recently due to Jim’s inability to feel happy. Spock over the past week has been more reserved, more careful, and overall looking somberly in Jim’s direction every time he thinks Jim isn’t paying attention.

Jim tries to brush it all off. He doesn’t understand why he feels this way, when everything should be so good. And hopes that their little shore leave on the newly christened York Town star base will bring everyone some relief.

 

* * *

 

 

Jim starts to limp out of the transporter room with a scowl on his face, “I ripped my shirt again.” He mumbles and groans, mostly to himself, as he passes Scotty.

“How’d it go?” He can hear Scotty’s question in reply, but doesn’t bother to answer back; which if he wasn’t having such a bad day, he would feel bad about. His boot is clutched in his left hand and the artifact in his right as he awkwardly gimps into the corridor. A few Ensigns make eye contact with them and immediately regret it because the glare Jim is giving the world is deadly.

Jim sets off for the turbolift, hoping to make it back to his quarters to shower, throw his ripped in the trash and replicate another gold shirt in its place. He lets out a sigh as he hears two sets of footsteps start to fall behind him. He had felt Spock’s attention shift onto him as soon as he beamed back on the ship, and he could tell Scotty Hailed Bones out of med bay to check up on him as soon as he set foot out of the transporter room.

“Captain, did you manage to broker a treaty with the Teenaxi?” Is what Spock says out loud, but his mind speaks different words. _Are you alright?_ Rings out clearly in his brain and Jim sends back a mental thumbs-up, hoping that it’s enough of a passable answer. A bunch of _comfortgladyouresafeitsalright_ gets sent back to him in return, because Spock knows this meeting obviously didn’t go well, but there’s nothing they can do to change that. He faintly registers Bones scanning him with a tricorder already.

Jim remembers that he must reply out loud as well; he often forgets that no one else is in his head besides Spock. “Agh, let’s just say I came up short.” He says and keeps his eyes focused on the hall in front of him. He’s on a different mission now. Shower. Shirt. Drink. It takes him a minute to realize that he doesn’t want to go back to his quarters with a piece of an ancient weapon still on him. “Uhhhh, would you uh l-“ He holds up what he thinks is the artifact, but quickly realizes it’s his shoe, so he holds up the correct hand, which is- to his surprise- still holding the weapon. He turns to toss the artifact towards Spock, knowing very well that his Vulcan would catch it. “-log that ‘n put it in the vault, Spock. Thank you.”

Spock doesn’t reply, mentally or otherwise, but Jim’s heart aches as Spock projects a whole lot of love towards him. Spock knows somethings wrong, knows something is bothering Jim and has been, even if Jim won’t tell him what it is. When you’re always in someone’s head, you can tend to tell when things start changing, but Spock hasn’t pushed him about any of it. The only thing that gives away Spock is that after particularly trying missions, or one’s that just go _wrong_ – like today- Spock softens to the point that Jim almost feels bad. He realized a long time ago that he’s one of Spock’s only crutches in life, and that no one else gets to experience as much emotion as he does from the half-Vulcan. So, Jim sends his thanks and his love for Spock back through the bond.

He’s quickly snapped out of his almost happy trance.

“Jim, you look like crap.” Bones states, sounding as pleased as ever to point out Jim’s need for medical care of some kind.

Jim sighs, “Thank you, Bones.” And hopes that that will be all the commentary on his looks that Bones will give, and he’ll retreat to his medbay again and-

“You got that little vein poppin’ out of your temple again, you okay?”

And that is a question that Jim has no answer for if he was being honest. He has no idea if he’s okay or not. He doesn’t feel okay, he feels as lost as a satellite pulled out of an orbit, as an asteroid hurtling towards a planet, as if he’s-

“Never better.” Is what he replies with instead. “Just another day in the ‘fleet.” He remarks, and he’s technically still on shift for the next 3 hours, but he’s sure no one will mind if he uses some of that to go take a shower and get a new fucking shirt.

 

* * *

 

 

Jim’s always been a physical type of guy his entire life. He works with his hands, and he likes to touch things, to know they’re there. Bones says his need for physicality is compensation for his shitty childhood. Jim says it’s just because he wants to share his glorious hands with the world, which earns a not-frown from Spock, but it’s a loving sort of frown.

Jim just likes to feel things, likes to touch and hold and _know._ It shows with the way he clings Spock in the bedroom, scraping, grasping and gripping anywhere he can get as Spock fucks into him mercilessly. It shows with how he’s always patting his crew on the arm or shoulder or back when he talks to them. Shows in the way he lets his hands grip the armrests of the Captain’s chair during particularly stressful times. And especially in the reverent way he runs his hands over the walls of their ship as he walks the halls of engineering when he’s meant to be sleeping.

Anyways, Jim’s just a physical kind of guy.

But Jim’s married to a half-Vulcan, and their species isn’t exactly known for being tactile.

A couple weeks after their bonding ceremony, Jim admitted to Spock that he wished they had a physical representation of their relationship and now marriage. Maybe it was just Jim relapsing into that scared kid who acted tough as nails but was terrified of people leaving him behind. You would think that an almost unbreakable mental connection would make Jim’s abandonment issues fade, but he just wanted something physical to show for it.

_“Yeah, everyone on the ship knows were technically married now-“_

_“Bonded.” Spock corrects._

_“Bonded, yeah, but like- people we don’t know have no way of knowing. You all don’t do the whole ring thing, so how are people supposed to know that you’re mine and I’m yours?”_

That conversation led to a very enthusiastic Spock marking very visible places on his Captain’s body with mouth shaped bruises. Which in turn led to a very grumpy Bones trying to use the dermal regenerator in the mess hall on Jim, and Jim hiding behind his very pleased Vulcan bondmate while saying: “I like them, Bones, don’t you dare try to get rid of them!” The bridge had very high morale that day, being very entertained by their Captain’s bruises and Jim’s satisfied grins in Spock’s direction when Spock shifted the wrong way and a dark green bruise was barely visible under the collar of his uniform.

A week after that incident the topic came up again, except this time, by Spock.

_Jim was busy working at his terminal in their quarters. Alpha shift ended around two hours ago, so Jim retreated to finish his paperwork in the privacy of his room. He didn’t expect the doors to their quarters to open so soon, since usually Spock worked in the labs until they went for dinner at 1900. He looked up from the PADD he was working on to see his bondmate standing just in front of the door._

_“Hey.” Jim says, giving Spock a smile before looking back down at the PADD, signing off on a report from security about a training exercise performed a few days earlier. Out of his peripherals he doesn’t see Spock move from in front of the door, so he looks back up. He quirks an eyebrow at his XO in a poorly executed imitation of the Spock Brow TM. “What’s up?”_

_Spock has a slightly serious expression on his face, and it sort of makes Jim worry. He sets down the PADD and makes a motion to get up and go to Spock but by the time he swivels his chair around Spock is already in front of him, reaching out and tugging at his wrist lightly. Jim gives him a small, unsure, smile and stands letting Spock lead him out of his little home office and over into their lounge area, where he moves to deposit Jim onto their plush couch. Jim sits willingly and opens his mouth to speak as Spock crouches in front of him, but Spock beats him to it._

_“You stated a week ago that although you were more than pleased with our bonding that you wished for a physical representation of our commitment to one another.” Spock says, in his soft voice that he reserves just for Jim. Spock holds both of Jim’s wrists in his hands between his index fingers and thumbs, the back of Jim’s hands resting in Spock’s palms. Jim nods, watching Spock’s thumb as it starts to makes slow circles on the underside of his wrist. “Vulcan’s do not partake in the exchange of rings as human’s do, as we more accurately partake in the exchanging of minds. I was not offended or opposed to the idea of something that would mark us as each other’s to those that do not know that my mind and yours are tied together.”_

_Jim is sort of at a loss for words, so he just nods and lets out a slightly shaken breath. Spock’s hands slip out from under his own, and Jim has to rest his palms on his thighs to keep from falling forward. Spock reaches for his back pocket and pulls out a sleek black, rectangular box he opens the box and Jim peeks at what’s inside. Sitting on top of some type of small cushioning are two different pendants made from the same colored stone. It’s a beautiful turquoise color, although it’s almost blue enough to be the same color as Jim’s own eyes. Both pendants are cut the same way, in a little rhombus shape, with metal brackets surrounding the stone. Jim glances up to look at Spock, who is already staring directly back at him with warm, brown eyes. Jim looks back down at the pendants, there is a petite chain made from the same metal as the brackets that coils underneath the stones. Necklaces._

_Jim glances again at Spock, and quirks the side of his mouth in an almost nervous smile. Jim then reaches out to the left pendant and picks up the small stone between his fingers, lifting it from the case. The metal chain starts to uncoil it’s self as he lifts it. “The two stones were once an individual piece on a necklace my mother wore frequently.” And at that Jim’s eyes snap up to Spock’s face, scared of what he’d see there, but Spock shows nothing but pure happiness as his eyes shine and crinkle slightly in his not-smile. “The stone itself is Vokaya, a mineral that was commonly found on Vulcan and no place else. When you mentioned wishing to have a physical manifestation for our relationship I contacted my father on New Vulcan and asked if he would be opposed to me repurposing the stone for us and he readily agreed with me that this was a logical solution to make my bondmate happy. Sarek then took designing the jewelry into his own hands with some input from myself, and sent them to me via transporter during our stop at Yani V yesterday._

_“I believe… my mother, were she still with us, would be pleased that I had found a bondmate so well matched for myself as you, and yet someone who is vibrant and unashamedly emotive when I do not excel in those areas. I would be… elated to see us wear these as physical reminders of the bond we now share.” Spock says, so, so eloquently and Jim’s breath is caught in his throat and his heart is pounding in his chest with how much he loves this man. There are tears welling up in his eyes, because no one has ever gone this above and beyond to show Jim that they care, to make sure Jim got what he longed for. He nods, helplessly and holds his pendant tightly in his hand before sliding off the couch and straight into Spock’s lap, arms sliding around the Vulcan’s neck and pulling him tight. Spock sets the black box with his own pendant on the couch so he can wrap his arms around Jim and hold him securely. Jim shifts the hand that isn’t holding his necklace into Spock’s hair, gripping lightly, so happy and overjoyed that this is all his._

_They bury their faces into each other’s neck’s and hold on tight, emotions firing through the bond like lightning bolts. Jim lets out a single sob into Spock’s neck, trying to compose himself. Spock rubs his back lightly in reassurance as Jim shudders against him. After a moment Jim untangles his hand from Spock’s hair and pulls back to look at him, Spock still looks gorgeous as always, while Jim probably is red faced and puffy eyed from being an emotional teenage girl. “Oh my fucking God, I love you so much.” He says and cups the side of Spock’s face with his free hand._

_Spock stares back at him unflinchingly, “And I, you.”_

_They stay there for a while more, holding each other and speaking in soft tones before getting up, Jim hands Spock his pendant and turns, letting Spock clasp the chain around his neck and Jim does the same for him._

Neither Jim nor Spock has willingly gone a whole day without wearing their pendants since that day, almost a year ago. Although both keep the necklaces inside of their uniforms while they work, so as not to pose as a distraction.

Jim stands in front of their bathroom mirror, fresh from his shower after the Teenaxi debacle, and presses the pendant into his palm. It’s a very calming thing, and makes him smile when he looks at it, or when he feels the slim chain shift on his neck while working. It’s a nice reminder that he has someone to come home to now. Someone who wants to take care of him and make sure he’s alright always, and Jim’s never had someone like that besides Bones. He wonders how he can possibly feel as lonely as he does and yet has a constant reminder of someone’s unyielding affection for him. It almost feels like a betrayal to Spock, to be so sad and not know why, to feel like he needs more when he should have everything he needs right here. But he’ll brave through it, just like he always has.

Jim leaves their bathroom and replicates a new uniform to change into. He makes sure he doesn’t look as debauched as he did coming back from Teenax and carefully lets his pendant slip under his command golds. He presses against where it lays on his chest, through his shirt and let’s Spock know through the bond that he’s on the way back to the bridge and he’s 100% okay.

In a few hours, they’ll leave the Teenaxi’s orbit and begin the 6-day warp 5 trip to the York Town Starbase. He hopes that maybe then things will become clearer for them all.


	2. The Dance of the Nebula

It always starts with a question.

“Do you think that what we’re doing is right?” Pavel is the first one to ask it. They were discussing some of their recent missions, first contacts and negotiations are always harder than everyone thinks they are. It’s not all diplomatic meetings and staying overnight at beautiful resorts, although sometimes they get lucky like that. Sometimes it hours and hours of fighting for the Federation’s name, of debates on the good the Federation and Starfleet is doing for the universe.

Even when they fight their hardest to convince some otherworldly diplomat that joining the Federation is the safest choice, it ends in bloodshed. It ends in Jim almost bleeding out because it was either they join or Jim dies. It ends in people in Security dying useless deaths over a fight about the Federation not allowing slave worlds. It ends in people crying and letters from the Captain being sent to families. It ends in the crew having small memorial services for the people who don’t have families to go back to.

But sometimes it ends in greatness. It ends in smiles and drinks and a three-day shore leave where they party and laugh and enjoy themselves because someone _joined the Federation because of them._ It’s those days when life seems to grand, like it couldn’t get any better than this. They were doing what they loved, making new friendships and new allies, inviting more and more species to join up with them and become this happy unit. Inviting people to get involved in the universe around them. When a new species joins UFP they run off the high of it for days afterwards. The entire crew’s morale goes up exponentially and it seems the time it takes to travel to the next planet or mission is seconds.

It all seems great until someone asks the question. It’s mostly said when they’re on shore leave, drunk out of their minds or whispering it into the darkness, not to be answered.

The Senior Bridge Crew started having little meetings, where they discussed everything from ship’s business to gossip to their personal lives. They excluded their Captain and First officer from these meetings for what should be obvious reasons. Besides, if they wanted to talk to Spock or Jim they could do it at any time, Bridge Crew time was something precious and sacred. Sometimes they felt bad that they left out two important people in their lives from this important thing they did, but- Spock and Jim had power over their jobs, they needed a safe place to talk. Eventually the Bridge Crew meetings opened up to close friends that were trusted enough to be let in on their little club.

It had started out with Uhura, Hikaru and Bones hanging out in Bones’ room, since his room was the biggest out of the three. It eventually started to grow and grow until Pavel had showed up, until Janice showed up with Chapel in tow and eventually it just became a thing. Some people came into the meetings once and never came back, some people only showed up when they wanted to spill a secret. But every Tuesday night at 2000, they would meet and talk, whether it be trivial or deep conversations.

Right now, was the latter.

Everyone sort of swiveled their heads to look at Pavel. Bones was at his personal replicator, getting a coffee, Uhura turned her head from where she sat in the plush arm chair. Hikaru and Janice both perched on Bones’ freshly made bed, turned to look where Pavel stood against the wall.

“Well? Do you?” He asks and looks around at them, as if they’re the ones that asked the toughest question on the planet.

Bones is the first one to speak up, taking his coffee from the replicator and taking a large swig of it before answering, “Whaddya mean, kid?” He asks, narrowing his eyes a little bit and taking another drink from the cup. Pavel looks around the room and Nyota nods at him, encouraging him to go on.

Pavel looks down at his hands, that are clasped in front of him. He opens his mouth to speak and shakes his head, his curls bouncing a bit. When he looks back up his eyebrows are furrowed and for a kid whose only just turned 21. He lets out a sigh and shrugs, gesturing with his hands, “Well- We go around and- and boast Federation to different planets that have never heard about us before. They either try to fight us afterwards or join Federation as an ally. And- we say that- that we are peace keeping armada, and yet we keep military grade weapons, yet when a planet is under attack we are the first to respond and _fight_ … Wouldn’t that make us no different than Klingon Empire? Or- Or Romulan Empire?” He says the last part quietly, and everyone knows it’s for good reason. No one’s still quite over what happened 5 years ago.

The room is silent after that. Everyone is sort of afraid to speak, they continue to think about an appropriate response.

Janice, surprisingly, is the first to let her insight on the topic out first. “We’re not really. If you want to look at it from an outside point of view. We’re no different than any other Empire out there, except for the fact that we don’t call ourselves an Empire.” She pauses and shakes her head, “But we’re- we don’t want to fight to tear other’s apart. We don’t want to build an empire to take down our enemies. We want- we want to build a family- a connection with species we’ve never met before. We can’t say we want peace all the time, but we want… contentedness. We’re no different than them, except we’re _trying_ to do something good. Trying to make people believe that… all of us can get along in the end.” She says with a vacant look in her eyes, she finally makes eye contact with Pavel and glances around at everyone else. “Nothing else to it.” She says and pats Hikaru’s hand and stands up, giving everyone a nod before leaving Bones’ quarters.

No one else tries to breech the topic again after Janice leaves, feeling that she explained it well and good enough for the rest of them to not bring it up again. Although everyone thinks about it, everyone looks back on that question sometimes and wonders, _just what makes us different from tyrants?_

 

* * *

 

 

Bones didn’t really believe in true love. He believed in love once upon a time, but he didn’t now. He had gotten married young, had a child young, and had gotten a divorce before he was 30. His life choices weren’t his most proud moments. But he had fallen in love, had met the girl of his dreams in Georgia and all he wanted was a life with her. When he finally gotten that, everything seemed to start falling apart at the seams. He loved Jocelyn, hell if he was being honest, he still loved her. (Although he would never admit that out loud- except for that one time he and Jim got really, really drunk and both spilled some secrets that were never talked about again.)

He regretted his poor choice in women, of course, but he never regretted having his little girl. Joanna was the most perfect little human on the planet, and even though her mother was a bitch that broke his heart, he would never abandon his little girl. Bones had always wanted to be a father, he wanted that picture perfect little family with a big house in Georgia and a perfect little life. Where he would get to help people all day at work and come home to his daughter and wife.

That’s what he had always wanted.

And then his wife divorced him, took all of his money, took his house, and took his child. Not to mention that everyone in Georgia practically knew about it after it happened, and everyone took her side. ‘Poor Jocelyn married to that doctor whose never home for her and the child!’ ‘Poor Jocelyn who’s worked so hard to become a lawyer, only to have someone tear it away from her by knocking her up!’

But it was Jocelyn who was always at law school, who never spent time with Leonard, who never came home. It was Leonard who took care of their baby, who took time off of his clinic hours to make sure that Jocelyn could go to school and get her degree. It was Leonard who had to hire a teenage babysitter to take care of his baby when he had to pick up extra hours at the clinic to make money for his family. And when Jocelyn got her degree she was the one who stayed home.

After that it was Leonard who was supplying his family with a roof over their head and food on the table. Then after a while all it would be was them fighting, crying and tearing each other apart. Their poor two year old daughter didn’t need to suffer because they couldn’t get along, so when the fighting died down to a slow bickering Jocelyn admitted she had been cheating on him, because he was gone all the time. And that was when Leonard’s heart broke. They got a divorce, even though Leonard tried to convince her that they could make it work.

She had cheated on him, and he still was willing to at least try.

But the divorce went through, and the papers were filed and Jocelyn got everything and all Leonard had was his medical degree. So, he shipped himself off to Starfleet, knowing that space was the only place he could go to get away. He didn’t believe in true love anymore, not after the love of his life broke his heart.

But sometimes…

No, Leonard didn’t believe in true love, he didn’t believe in soulmates either. He believed that some people were better suited for each other than others but to know that there was only one person for you in the universe was… ridiculous.

“You cannot tell me that when Doctor Varitou’r came on stage at that Astrophysics convention 5 months ago, your brain did not explode with your little awkward science crush.” Jim points an accusation finger in Spock’s face, how Spock has the restraint to not reach out and break that finger, Bones does not know.

Jim, Bones, Spock and Nyota are all sitting on a couple of couches in the observation lounge, they all had a day off surprisingly, and had agreed to hang out after dinner. They were all sitting and discussing the convention they had all attended 5 months prior, because one of the scientists that ran the convention was staying on the _Enterprise_ for a small experiment and leaving when they docked at York Town. The doctor was very well known for his very contrast views on Astrophysics and Space Anomalies. He was one of Spock’s favorite scientists for the time being, and Spock had been eager at the convention to get to meet him and now Spock was about as excited as a Vulcan could get because Varitou’r had nothing but compliments for the science department of the _Enterprise._

Jim had his head in Spock’s lap and was stretched out across the couch. Nyota occupied an arm chair and had her legs curled underneath her as she read, Bones was laid back on the couch opposite from them with a PADD, and it was all very domestic feeling.

Spock narrows his eyes in a Vulcan glare at Jim, “My brain did not… explode with my… ‘little awkward science crush’. Having ‘crushes’ is a human trait and I do not experience them, and being as though I am bonded I find that having a crush would be inappropriate.” He says evenly, and Bones could swear that his lips quirk up in a smile.

Jim beams back up at him, “Yeah- and being as though you are bonded to me, I could feel your brain explode at the convention and there is no use in denying it. And I was on the bridge yesterday when Varitou’r came on board and you met him in shuttlebay. Your excited-ness made me twitchy.” He fakes a twitch and glances over at Bones with a sly grin.

Spock doesn’t look away from Jim’s face. “Seeing as you are prone to twitchiness, it is a mere coincidence that you experienced and episode while I was meeting with Doctor Varitou’r.”

Jim gasps and turns his head in Spock’s lap to look back up at him, “Lies!” He says, “Oh come on, you’re totally hype that Varitou’r picked the _Enterprise_ to study with for the week. Do I have to worry about you cheating on me?” He teases with a smile.

Uhura looked up from her book at the two and smiled, giving a glance to Bones. When they both look back over, Spock has a hand petting through Jim’s hair. “While I am gratified that Doctor Varitou’r has chosen the vessel upon which I work to study, I do not think I would commit adultery as I seem to have a… _permanent_ ‘crush’ on the one I am bonded to.” He says without so much as a glance away from Jim’s face, Jim tries to subtlety lean into Spock’s hand in his hair. They obviously have a conversation that Bones and Nyota cannot hear, and for a minute they’re all quiet until Jim turns his head towards everyone else and goes:

“So when Chekov finally asks out that Ensign from Security are we going to throw a party because honestly it’s been forever and-“ He keeps talking but Bones drowns him out, both Nyota and Spock butt in about giving Chekov and his ‘boo thang’ as Jim put its- their privacy, but Jim scoffs. Every single time Jim and Spock make eye contact it’s like the whole room freezes for them, like nothing matters. They’ve been together for almost four whole years and still people on the ship look at them and sigh and talk about how they wish they could be as in love as they are.

Bones doesn’t believe in true love, soulmates, or destiny. But sometimes when he looks at Jim and Spock it gives him a glimmer of hope that people can actually find something that feels like it’s meant to be. Of course, it freaks Bones out even more that apparently, there are other universes and in almost every single one Jim and Spock are meant to be together as they are now.

Sometimes he looks at them and thinks… _that’s what true love looks like._

 

* * *

 

“Father, I did not expect to get a correspondence from you today.” Spock says as he sits at his terminal. His father had sent him a message to his person PADD today while he was working, saying he wished to speak with him tonight when he was not busy. Spock had taken his lunch earlier than usual and then went to go call his father.

Sarek looked back at him solemnly, a sort of confused expression on his face. His father’s eyes dropped to the ground before looking back up at him through the computer screen. “I wish to speak with you over a personal matter that affects you greatly. I do not know how you will respond and find myself hesitant to tell you.” He says in a very oddly quiet voice. Spock’s eyebrows furrow slightly, his head cocking to the side in question. His father rarely expressed any emotion, let alone his own hesitance to tell Spock things.

Spock sets his hands in his lap and gives a minute shrug. “Father I assure you whatever you have to tell me will not affect our personal rekindling if that is what your concern is.” Spock assures him. He and his father had set aside their person grievances after the destruction of Vulcan 5 years ago and had started to speak to each other more and more. Sarek had become the father figure that Spock had longed for privately, but would never admit to wanting.

His father shakes his head and looks down once more. “Spock, my son, I understand that you are aware that the Ambassador had fallen ill as of 8.53 days ago. This will not be easy to hear my son but, Ambassador Spock has passed.” Sarek’s voice diminishes quietly towards the end of the sentence, but Spock could hear him perfectly fine.

Spock’s own heart seems to slow to a distinguishable degree. He is hit with a wave of sadness and immediately blocks part of the bond to Jim off. Jim cannot know now, Jim is going through something of his own, and this will ultimately make it worse for him. This can be Spock’s own burden to bear. There are millions upon millions of thoughts in his head, he had just talked to the Ambassador as of 11 days ago, they had spoken of many things and ship’s business and of course Jim. He could not be dead- his own counterpart- would this be when Spock’s own life would perish? When he was over 150 and the love of his life had been deceased for more than half a century?

“Oh.” Spock exclaims quietly, and he sits up straighter, composes himself. “I see.”

His father gives him a confused look, “Spock- I understand that this is a special case and emotionally an event like this could be-“

“No, father. I am fine. It is a shock, that is all. I thank you for informing me of this event. When will his burial be taking place?” Spock asks, deflecting any of his father’s worries about his emotional health. He would be fine.

Sarek nods, “We will be holding a ceremony on Vulcan for him in two weeks’ time. I hope you are able to attend. I wish you and your bondmate well, please contact me if you are in need of anything, my son.” He holds up the Vulcan salute and nods, “Live long and prosper.”

Spock holds his own hand up in return, “Peace and long life.” He says, although its sounds as though someone else says it. He turns off his terminal and sits for a while. He contemplates on his next move. He is not sure what to do, now. His counterpart lived on New Vulcan so that he could stay here on the _Enterprise_ where he was meant to be, or so his counterpart said. But now…

No… New Vulcan was fine without him, and they would continue as they always had, building and rebuilding and making a new life for themselves. His heart felt heavy with the grief, and he felt the need to cry although no tears were producing. He inhaled deeply, hoping to expel the awful feelings from within him. He took a few more shaky breaths and swallowed. He contemplates on whether or not to tell Jim of this new development.

Jim had not kept in touch with the Ambassador as much as Spock had. Although if Spock had been in a call with Ambassador and Jim had arrived during it all three of them would talk. But Jim did not feel the need to speak with him on a regular basis as Spock did. Spock had not liked the thought of Jim and Ambassador Spock speaking as often as they did, Ambassador Spock had long lost his own Jim Kirk, although his mind had called out to the replica of the his deceased bondmate’s. He thought it best to keep it from Jim for the time being.

He stands and takes a moment to compose himself before leaving him and Jim’s quarters. He heads back to the science labs for the day, and goes through the motions of his work, feeling empty.

When he and Jim had lunch that night, Jim gives him a skeptical look. Jim brushes his hand across Spock’s leg under the table. “You okay?” He asks and Spock does not respond, only looks at Jim and mentally wraps his arms around him. Jim smiles at him and continues to eat his dinner.

That night when they fall asleep Spock holds Jim closer, buries his nose into the nape of his bondmates neck, knowing what he would do the next day.

 

* * *

 

This was rather a large decision to make.

 If he was thinking logically he was being very irrational, acting on a moment of grief rather than making an informed decision. He could not realize at the moment that doing this behind his bondmate’s back was the most illogical thing that could ever become of him. More illogical than hunting down Kahn for the sake of revenge.

Hunting down Kahn was logical, seeking revenge for one’s mate was entirely logical. Jim and Spock might have not been together yet, but every fiber of Spock’s being recognized him as his mate. _That_ was logical.

Lying to your bondmate was not logical. It would never be logical to hide your thoughts from someone who should have open access to your mind at all times no matter what. _Parted from me and never parted,_ Spock thought to himself.

Spock looked at his terminal. It had been exactly 24 hours since he had gotten the news about Ambassador Spock’s death. His mind was more stable than it had been the day before. He had meditated on his thoughts and come to the idea that this was the most logical conclusion that he could make.

Spock has come to the conclusion that in order to live up to his potential as a Vulcan, in order to live up to what Ambassador Spock has already been, he must return to New Vulcan and help the colony. He does not plan to stay there forever, merely for a few years to do his part on the planet before coming back to Jim. Or maybe Jim by then would be ready to take a break from being Captain and- No. Jim would never.

Spock would take this as it came.

He would go to Vulcan for however long it took to help the rebuilding process, and then he would… figure something out afterwards. Jim would never want to stop Captaining, and Spock would feel the call of the stars once more one day. But for now, this was what had to happen:

They would be docked for a week at York Town in 4 days. Spock had scheduled a shuttle for himself to New Vulcan after their short leave. He knew he would have to tell Jim at some point before then, preferably before Jim could find out on his own. Yet, he felt a reluctance to tell Jim, he feared Jim’s response would not be a positive one. Jim would let him do this, would let him fulfill this duty he owed to his lost planet, to his people. If Jim did not, then Spock would not go, and that was possibly what was holding him back. If Jim told him he did not want Spock to leave, then Spock would stay and that would be final. He felt torn on whether his place was to stay here with Jim, the love of his life, his T’hy’la, or help his planet, or rather his new planet, the place his people would call home for the rest of their lives.

He let out a breath, for now, his duty was to his people.

 

 

When Jim enters their quarters, there is a hot (physically and biologically) Vulcan pressed against his back and a strong grip across his abdomen. Jim laughs, “Hey, there.” He twists in his Vulcan’s grip, turning and pressing his hands against a deceptively strong chest. He smiles up at Spock but there’s something not quite right in his gaze. Jim frowns, “You alright? Something wrong?” He asks and Spock shakes his head, not quite trusting his voice. He raises a hand to cup Jim’s face, running his thumb across Jim’s cheekbones.

Jim smiles and turns his head pressing his lips against Spock’s palm. Spock’s eyes close briefly and Jim takes great joy in it. Jim shifts and kicks off his boots and socks and grins up at Spock, “You comin’?” He asks and grips Spock’s hand for a second before turning back towards their bed, stripping off both of his shirts as he went along. He hears Spock take off his boots and lets out a happy sigh and he flops back onto their bed. The perks of being married legally was that Starfleet issues you out a larger bed, a comfier bed, in Jim’s opinion.

Spock strips himself of his own shirts and walks over to the bed, standing at the side and looking sort of lost. Jim sits up on the edge and frowns, “Hey- I-“ but Spock stops his, bending forward and capturing Jim’s lips with his. Jim hums happily into the kiss as Spock presses him back into the bed, and situates himself over top of Jim. His hands travel across Jim’s chest and stomach reverently and Jim arches into it, as if he’s starved for touch. Spock likes that, likes that Jim is so greedy with being caressed that he can’t stand it when someone isn’t touching him.

Spock wets his lips and dips down to kiss Jim; it has a sort of sweet taste to it. It feels gentle and soft and absolutely perfect. Even as Spock’s tongue slips into his mouth and the kisses get turned heated and passionate, there’s still a sweet feel to it. Spock undresses him slowly and lavishes his body with tender touches and kisses. Jim tugs at Spock’s pants and underwear until they’re both naked and writhing against one another. Spock takes both of their cocks into one of his hands, jerking them off together while he pulls at Jim’s neck with deep kisses and sharp nips.

“Yes, yes, yes.” Jim gasps as he tugs at Spock’s hair and runs his hands over Spock’s body, digging his blunt nails into skin. “Spock- Spock hey come on, fuck me- want you to- come on.” He moans out as Spock flicks his wrist in a very- very pleasurable way that has Jim shaking and if he doesn’t get fucked soon he’s going to come and it’s going to be over and he wants Spock inside him, inside his body, his mind, everything he is.

Spock gets the message, pulling his head up from Jim’s neck and attacking Jim’s mouth with his own, letting his rougher tongue slide against Jim’s. He reaches over to their bedside table and grabs some of their person stash of lube.

He sits back on his heels between Jim’s legs, his cock erect and slick with his own lubrication and it makes Jim want to stop this and to lean over and suck Spock down and taste him and his too sweet too spicy to be human taste. He licks his lips at the thought but then Spock has his hands on Jim’s thighs, moving his legs to open even more, Jim shifts so that his ass is more available.

Spock takes his time with opening Jim up, slowly moving from one finger to two to three until Jim is practically crying out for him to fuck him. Jim arches and writhes and moans, while Spock mumbles how beautiful he looks in both Federation Standard and Vulcan. Jim speaks both, and he’s always a sucker for being told how pretty his is so he groans and pushes back onto Spock’s fingers and when Spock hits that place inside him and Jim gets a little loud.

It’s then that Spock pulls his fingers out and repositions himself at Jim’s entrance, Jim sits up on his elbows, reaching out and grasping at him. Spock leans forward to kiss Jim as he enters his body, doing that little groan that drives Jim crazy. “Yeah.” Jim moans as Spock bottoms out, and Spock does a full body shudder.

Spock fucks him through the mattress in the best of ways. Drives into Jim’s prostate like it’s the only thing he ever wants to do. He whispers Vulcan endearments into Jim’s ear and Jim repeats them back to him in Standard. Spock connects their lips and Jim connects their hands, lacing his fingers through Spock’s. Spock uses his free hand to take Jim’s cock in his hand and jerks him off to his release and Spock cums inside of him and they both groan through it.

They clean each other up quietly and lay in bed afterwards, facing each other and holding each other. Jim presses a kiss to Spock’s chest. Spock lets out a breath, “I love you.” He says and Jim smiles into his chest before leaning away from him to press a kiss to Spock’s chin, his cheeks, his nose and finally his lips, they kiss languidly for a long time.

“I love you back, you know that?” Jim states and Spock nods, letting a hand drift up to the back of Jim’s neck and hold him tight.

“I know, ashayam. I will always know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading chapter two! There are probably a lot of grammar/spelling/sentence mistakes because I wrote this off of the high of the previous chapter! But thanks for reading and your comments and kudos are always appreciated! Thanks a ton and I hope you enjoy this shit ton of angst and poorly written porn!


	3. Hella Bar Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is horribly delayed and I am so sorry.

In all honesty, Jim had been terrified as all hell to start being a Captain. Yes, it was what he wanted more than anything in the world. It had always been what he wanted all along; even before Pike had tried to recruit him in that seedy bar in Iowa. When the Narada Incident happened, he was ready to Captain the _Enterprise_ to victory. He didn’t feel scared, nervous or anything close to that; he was as cool and calm as ever and lead the crew onto save Earth after the destruction of Vulcan.

When Pike called Jim into his office and told him that he was going to Captain the _Enterprise_ after her refit, he was beyond excited. During his official ceremony to relieve Pike, he was excited, happier than he had ever been in a long, long time. But when he stood in his newly replicated command gold and regulation slacks in front of a newly refit _Enterprise..._ He was terrified.

Here he was at 25, fresh out of the Academy and about to Captain a ship full of 400+ some people at a time. Sure, they were only going to be out for a year, and would come back to ‘Fleet Posts more often than not, but it was still scary. He was going to oversee these people’s lives and most of them were his friends, his graduating class, the people he had just been in school with a few months ago. He thought that maybe the worst part is, is that they trusted him to do it.

All of these people that were about to be on this ship trusted him to take care of them. They willingly put their lives into the palms of his hands with one signature on a PADD for a service commission. Pike had told him that the _Enterprise_ had become the most asked for ship for incoming Officers. People wanted to work for him, and that was enough to send him metaphorically running for the hills. He would never actually leave, no, he had a duty to uphold; but it was something he thought about often.

He walked onto the ship all smiles and happiness and greeting his subordinates with a friendly ‘Hello!’ and ‘At ease’ when they snapped to attention at the sight of him. He spent his first day as Captain getting to know his beautiful silver lady a bit more comfortable, as well as his crew. Little did he ever know was that first day had made all the difference to his crew. His crew thought of him as human after that, not some Captain in a chair. They knew they could trust him to do his best, even if that meant that some of them would be injured or killed in the process.

Jim put up a good front, even if he was terrified, and it did him good.

Jim had come into his Captaincy not having many friends. He had Bones as a surefire friend forever. Sulu and Chekov had become his buddies during their time on Academy grounds during the refit, but they weren’t real friend’s yet. Uhura still sort of resented him, and Spock… Spock definitely wasn’t his friend yet. Although there was something there, brewing in the air between them. It was like an electric current between them, growing brighter when they fought together.

He expected it to stay that way forever, him only having Bones to run to, the constant bickering between him and Spock. He wanted to be friends with his crew, not just to be their commanding officer. But that doesn’t mean he expected to have that.

Now he does.

No, he doesn’t have friends. He has more than that.

He has _family._

That’s something Jim’s never had that before. Sure, he has Winona, he talks to her all the time and he loves her despite all of her faults. He has Sam too, but they don’t talk too often and when they do it’s mostly through Winona. They’re his blood, yeah. But he’s never felt that connection to them that he feels with his crew.

He has family. He has sisters and brothers and _husband_ for crying out loud. Not to mention a curly haired ensign as a substitute kid. He loves them, every single one of them down to the last newly recruited red shirt. And he would die a thousand deaths for each and every person on his ship.

Sure, they’re not the most conventional of the bunch. But they wouldn’t have it any other way, and neither would he. And the best part about family is that… they always stay connected, even if they’re worlds apart.

 

* * *

  

Jim takes a deep breath, and lets it out in a large exhale that makes his lungs shake. He types in his final codes on his terminal and hits send. He doesn’t know if this is the right choice, but it’s the best choice he has at the moment. He needs some time to himself, Spock can finish out the rest of the mission and then they can figure it out from there.

He looks at his terminal screen.

_Starfleet Position: Vice Admiral: 2317: Posted on Starbase YORKTOWN: Application SENT._

* * *

 

 

Hikaru sat at the terminal in his room. He reached a hand up nervously to fiddle with his hair. Then he looked down at his command golds, looked back up at the terminal screen and smiled. He always liked to show off his uniform and his family sure did love to see it. The application on his terminal was doing it’s little theme music as it tried to connect the long distance call, and he jiggles his leg along with the music in anticipation. They were still a good day or two out from the Starbase, so it would take a few more minutes to connect. The terminal screen freezes for a moment, the music stuttering before a clear video picture came on the screen and Hikaru was beaming with joy.

Across the galaxy, sitting in their quaint apartment in a huge space station was Ben and Demora Sulu. Demora sat in her father’s lap while she looked at her daddy through the vid screen, who was up in space, on his way to see her. Hikaru’s heart clenched at the sight of them. He had only seen them twice this year when they made stops to Earth. The last time they docked on Earth- Ben told Hikaru he had gotten a job offer on Yorktown and he was going to take it if all went well. Hikaru was ecstatic when Ben told him the news, Yorktown was going to end up being the _Enterprise’s_ most visited stop while they finished out their 5-year tour; he’d finally get to see his family more often.

He couldn’t wait to spend a whole 3 days with his husband and little girl.

“Daddy!” Demora screeched when she came on screen, reaching out towards the camera like she could touch him and Hikaru almost raised his hand in return. She was dressed up in a cute green and red plaid dress, her hair up in her pigtails.

“Hey, sweetie.” Hikaru says back to his little girl. He sits up eagerly, leaning forward to his terminal screen, wishing he could just reach through and grip them both in a tight hug. He looks over at his Ben. His gorgeous, gorgeous husband that he missed more than anything. “Hey baby.” He says, although that one is directed more at Ben than Demora.

Ben and him had met during Hikaru’s first year at the Academy. Ben was a writer for a promotional science magazine that Starfleet funded, and a couple years older than him. They had started dating quickly after that, and stayed together through Hikaru’s four years at the Academy. During his fourth year- right before the _Narada_ incident- Ben had proposed. They had gotten married that summer after the incident, and then a couple months later after the _Enterprise’s_ refit he got assigned to commission under _Captain_ James T. Kirk.

He and Ben knew that Hikaru would be taking a commission in space after school. It just happened to be sooner than they thought. They accepted it with grace, and the _Enterprise_ went out for sporadic commission, meaning they would be out in space for weeks to months at a time and come back for a while and ship out again. And that was how it worked for an entire year, and Hikaru never thought his life could get any better.

Then Khan showed up and everything went to shit. They’re little apartment was caught in the crossfire of the ship Admiral Marcus had commissioned, and Hikaru was terrified that he had lost Ben. As soon as the _Enterprise_ had landed Ben had already blown up his PADD with a thousand messages and came to meet him after he got off the ship.

The next two weeks were filled with a lot of paperwork, interviews, trying to fix the mess that Khan had made of San Francisco, and visiting his Captain in the hospital. Ben had met Jim prior to Jim’s recent stint with death, almost exactly a year ago.

After everything had been mostly recovered, there was news buzzing around that the _Enterprise_ was going to get a 5 year, deep space, mission. And that’s when Ben and Hikaru applied for a genetically altered baby. They had sent in their DNA in hopes of receiving their information about the gestation unit back. But then Ben got news one of his relatives had died and left their newly born infant without a family. That’s when they got Demora. The most perfect, beautiful little girl in the entire world had ended up in their custody and they had started a family, officially.

The 5 Year mission was 3 years in now and they didn’t get to see each other much, but it works against all odds. Ben had taken a posting on Yorktown, knowing that the _Enterprise_ would often be stopping by on the ‘fleet’s newest starbase.

He couldn’t wait to see them again.

It had only been a couple months since their last visit, but it seemed like forever. 

Ben smiles at him, “Hey ‘Karu. Everything running well on the ship?” He asks and Hikaru delves into the recent events of his own life, making sure to include that he will be making it to the starbase in less than 32 hours.

Demora quickly interrupts in the cutest of fashions and gets into a story about her new school on the starbase and how cool it is, and that there is a Betazoid kid that is her _best friend_ _ever_. She says that she can’t wait for him to meet all her friends, and that he’ll actually get to take her to her Pre-K class and that there’s this one park on the Beta Strip that her and Papa love to go to-

And Hikaru cannot wait to see them.

 

* * *

 

 

The stars whip by the large rectangular window, warp 6. Jim idly watches them, his face as blank as he felt.  He used to feel a sort of calm when he watched the stars zip past them like this. They used to bring a smile on his face when he thought about how many places they had been and how many things they had seen already, and this was only their first commission.

He’d sit on a random observation deck, locked away with the Captain’s override and just watch the stars as they travelled lightspeed across the universe. He used to be able to sit and watch for hours without getting bored, a small smile on his face as he imagined the things that could be out in the black. When the mission had just begun, he would drag Spock to a couch on the deck and make him watch the starts with him. At first Spock protested, questioning the waste of time when he could be in the labs, or doing Vulcan things, or working on the paperwork that Jim hated. But after a while, he would go without question and sit with Jim as long as Jim wanted. He would even stroke his fingers through Jim’s hair and spout random facts about stars and space that Jim already knew, but loved hearing.

He wishes they could do that now. The bond has been eerily quiet for around 5 weeks, and Jim knows it’s mostly his fault. When he started to question his Captaincy, he tried to hide any and all feelings that could come across as self-doubt in his job. Spock never asked, and Jim never told.

He wonders if this is how marriages end, if this is how it really begins. As hidden feelings and distant stares. It makes his throat start to close up just at the thought. He loves Spock, loves him more than anything, and he knows that Spock loves him back but Jim just can’t seem to handle anything right now. He can barely sit through a day on the bridge without wishing he was somewhere else at least once. And what kind of Captain is that?

Jim barely heard the doors swish open he’s so far in his thoughts, and only when Bones speaks does he sit up and give him an empty smile. “Sorry, I’m late. Keenser is leaking some kind of highly acidic, green goo. And Scotty’s terrified he’s gonna sneeze on the warp core and kill us all.” Bones says while he takes his place behind the bar Jim is seated at.

Jim huffs a laugh, he had picked up his drink, to continue wallowing in his misery, but Bones stops him.

“ _The_ _hell are you drinking?”_ He asks in astonishment and probably concern. Jim lowers his glass and shrugs, looking at the bottle he sat on the table. It came from his stash in his room- that Spock has yet to find and confiscate- and he didn’t care to check on what it was before he dashed off to meet Bones.

“Agh- pretty sure it’s the rest of that Saurian Brandy that he picked up on Thasis.” He admits, watching Bones sniff the opening of the bottle and wincing a little bit, knowing Bones’ opinion on most Non-Terran alcoholic drinks.

And the reaction is just as he suspected.

“My God, man. Are you _tryin’_ to go blind?” Bones then makes a face, “This stuffs illegal.” He sets down the bottle and Jim can see a small smile work its way onto his face. “Besides-“ He begins, raising his right arm, brandishing a shiny new bottle of whiskey. “I found this in Chekov’s locker.” He looks impeccably smug about it too. The best part about being a high-ranking officer was being able to take away people’s alcohol for confiscation and then drinking it yourself. Spock just confiscates and shoots out of the airlock- or at least that’s what Jim thinks he does with all of the hidden drinks in their quarters.

Bones sets the bottle onto the counter and Jim takes a look at it, sort of impressed. “Wow.” Jim breathes as he reads the label, and Bones turns to get clean glasses for their newly found bottle of happiness.

“Right?” Bones says over his shoulder, “I mean I always assumed he’d be a vo-“

“A vodka guy, exactly.” Jim finishes for him, taking in this new information about their youngest bridge crew member.

“I wanted to have something appropriate for your birthday.” Bones states as he sets the glasses down in front of them, Jim doesn’t comment on the fact that there are three glasses when there are only 2 of them present.

Jim rolls his eyes in response, keeping his gaze on the table, “Ah, it’s in a couple days, you know I don’t care about that.” He says and Bones starts to open the bottle as he talks.

“I know, and I know you don’t like celebratin’ it on the day ‘cause it’s also the day your Pa bit the dust.” He pours each glass up halfway and Jim furrows his eyebrows, fighting a small smile. Bones always knew how to cheer him up, that’s for sure.

Jim finally looks up at him, “Did they- teach you about bedside manner in medical school?” When Bones frowns at him Jim grins slightly and picks up his freshly poured glass, raising it in the air. “It’s just your southern charm.” Jim amends and Bones seems troubled for a moment before picking up his own glass and nodding towards the third glass on the table. They both dip their glasses down to toast to Jim’s father before raising them back up to clink their own glasses together. They eye each other, both hesitant to take a sip before the other does, so they awkwardly coordinate to take a drink at the same time.

“Oh.”

“Ohh. That’s good.”

“Lordy.” Bones exclaims, looking at his glass in wonder and Jim chuckles.

Bones leans forward, getting comfortable before asking, “You gonna call your mom?” Eyeing Jim up as he answers.

“Yeah, of course I’ll call her on the day.” He says, and he will call her, just like he does every year. Where they never really talk about Jim’s birthday and never really talk about George either. They just seem to discuss their respective ship’s business and she asks- as she has for the past 4 years- when he’ll bring Spock home to meet her and Jim responds as always, with a laugh and a change of topic as soon as possible. He wonders if his grandma ever hassled his mom into bringing George home. Jim sighs, barely audible, “One year older.”

Bones smacks his lips and raises his glass up to his mouth, “Yup, that’s usually how it works.” He comments. But Jim’s not listening anymore.

Jim stares at his glass, “A year older than he ever got to be.” Jim swallows hard, not necessarily wanting to have this conversation but knowing it needed to happen. “He joined Starfleet because he… he believed in it.” He says, still not looking up, he can’t. He shakes his head, “I joined on a dare.” He says, he doesn’t deserve this, he doesn’t deserve the _Enterprise_ , doesn’t deserve his crew, Bones, and doesn’t deserve Spock.

“You joined to see if you could live up to him.” And Jim looks up at that, gaze hard, but Bones continues. “N’You spend all this time tryn’a be George Kirk; now you’re wondering just what it means to be Jim.” They lock gazes for a moment, “While you’re out here,” Bones continues and raises his glass one more time. “To perfect eyesight, and a full head of hair.”

And Jim has to smile at that, although he’s still unsure about it all. He raises his glass once more against Bones’ and takes a drink with him. The almost bittersweet moment doesn’t last long, his communicator chirps and he reaches to grab it, flicking it open. “Kirk, here.”

“Captain,” It’s Sulu, he must have switches shifts with the Beta helmsman so he could pull the _Enterprise_ into dock himself, and there’s no one Jim trusts more to fly his girl anywhere they are, so he’s glad. “Approaching Yorktown base.”

“I’m on my way Mr. Sulu.” Jim says, and knows that Bones will follow right behind him to the bridge. He flips the communicator closed and twists the chair, standing up. “Let’s keep this birthday thing under wraps, huh?” He says, as he walks towards the door.

He can hear Bones cleaning up their mess, “You know me,” The snap of the bottle closing, “Mr. Sensitive.” And Bones follows Jim out of their hiding hole to make their way to the bridge.

 

* * *

 

 

The bridge is swarming with activity, a few more people than necessarily needed surrounding the stations, and Jim will allow it, because this is exciting for more than a few reasons. The senior crew is at their stations and ready to go, and Scotty is watching the view screen with a smile.

“Ah, that is impressive.” Chekov says in awe and Jim can agree. The view is _definitely_ one of a kind. Yorktown sits suspended in space, all clear glass and spirals that make up the land on the inside. It was designed with every Federation species in mind, knowing that this would be the most diverse and colorful of all the bases. Yorktown is accessible to most Federation planets and is basically a city in space.

Scotty pipes up after Chekov’s comment, “Aye, she’s a beauty, isn’t she?” He asks, looking back at Chekov and they exchange smiles. Jim moves to stand behind the Captain’s chair, Bones still on his heels.

“What a damn monstrosity.” Bones says, but Jim is too busy admiring Yorktown to be bothered to chuckle. “Couldn’t we just rent some space on a planet?” He asks, sounding like his usual grumpy self.

Jim is mentally torn away from the view as a bright warmth hits his mind. “Showing geographical favoritism among inductive Federation worlds could cause diplomatic tension.” And Jim’s not sure when Spock came on the bridge, because he didn’t really notice, not with how closed the bond had gotten. But not the bond sings, as if it reaches out to Spock’s voice from Jim’s head. The overwhelming mental warmth is soothed out into a low buzz of affection sent his way, which means Spock felt whatever Jim’s side of the bond was making grabby hands for.

Bones scoffs, “What? You don’t think that looks tense? Looks like a damn snow globe in space, just waitin’ to break!” He exclaims and _that’s_ when Jim takes the opportunity to sigh.

“That’s the spirit, Bones.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again I am so sorry for the super long delay on this chapter. But some crazy stuff went down and my horse almost died, then I had my wisdom teeth taken out, and then I went on vacation, and now here we are! I hope you all enjoyed the chapter and I promise that most of the chapters will come way faster than this one did.


	4. Labor of Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spirk fluff/angst is basically this whole chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is more than a little late but whoopsie. I give my sincerest apologies.

“I would honestly rather free fall to Earth off of the Enterprise while she’s in space dock right now than move from this bed.”

“Jim, you are being petulant, we must leave so that we are not late.” Spock states as he stands next to the main exit of their temporary quarters on Yorktown. He was already dressed and ready to go, wearing all black, which was the majority of his closest much to Jim’s amusement. ( _“You’re so fucking emo!” Jim laughed, or more accurately squawked between large intakes of breath.)_ He was wearing long sleeves although Yorktown was currently in its summer rotation at the moment, it was still fairly cool compared to Vulcan standards.

Jim lay sprawled on their bed, spread out quite like an _asteroidean,_ or starfish. He was bare chested, only wearing navy briefs. Even lain out like he is, Jim is a sight that would make anyone less than a Vulcan not able to resist to try and touch him. Spock is taken aback somedays when he realizes just how beautiful his mate really is, and how incredibly fortunate he is that Jim had chosen to bestow his affection on him over any other.

Jim picks his head, and only his head, off the bed and bats his eyelashes at Spock, jutting his lower lip out. Spock faintly remembers the first time the thought of ‘bite it’ occurred to him when looking at Jim’s lips. He was accustomed now to his baser desires pushing to the surface of his thoughts when Jim was near. “Come on.” He whines, “You don’t want to stay in bed? With me? Like not even a little bit?” Jim pouts, and Spock lets out a breath that could be a sigh.

Nevertheless, Spock takes pity on his mate and walks over to where his head rests on the bed, taking a seat next to him. “Why do you not wish to go? I presumed this was something you had been wanting to see.” Spock comments, lowering his hand to touch his mate’s face, dragging his index finger down the side of Jim’s face. His finger smooths over a meld point, and he gets a shocking wave of _sadness-no-can’t-want-stay._

Jim’s eyes flick up to his once his fingers move past the meld point and his hand cups the side of Jim’s cheek. Spock cannot help himself but to stroke his thumb over Jim’s cheek, watching as the dark blonde eyelashes flutter closed for less than a second before the blue eyes land on him once more. Jim starts to sit up, leaning on his hip and supporting his weight on his left forearm. Jim’s right hand comes up to lace his fingers through Spock’s and pull his hand away from his face, letting their intertwined hands fall onto the bed between them. “I just…” He trails off, flexing his fingers against Spock’s own. “The mission has taken more of a toll on me than I originally thought it would. It’s hard being out in the black for that long, and sometimes I just wanna lay in bed with you all day and be normal.” Jim admits and Spock can feel through their bond, as shallow as their bond has been for the past few weeks, that it took a great deal for Jim to say this.

Spock nods, “I understand. If you wish to stay here I will tell everyone we are unable to attend and I will stay with you and we can stay in bed and be ‘normal’ as much as you and I can manage to be normal.” This sentence gets the response he wished for, Jim smiles and chuckles, looking up at him. Spock would give anything to always have a smile on his bondmate’s face.

“No, no. Let’s go, I know I’m being illogical or whatever.” Jim says while he shakes his head. He averts his eyes away from Spock and makes a move to sit up more completely, starting to disentangle his hand from Spock’s. Spock grips his hand just a fraction tighter and Jim notices, turning back to look at him, now propped up by his hand.

“On the contrary, it is quite logical for you to wish to stay and relax, since you get very little time to do so while aboard the _Enterprise_. Your job is among the most difficult out of everyone’s aboard the ship, and you make the most crucial decisions regarding the safety and wellbeing of the crew and yourself. Adding to that, being on a long term deep space mission has its ill effects on every being involved, and thus requires several periods of rest to maintain optimal mental and physical health for all. Your feelings are completely valid, Jim.”

Spock has had a suspicion that Jim has been keenly feeling the effects of the 5-year mission. They have been through a lot these past 3 years. People have been lost, and crew have been transferred off and on the ship, Ambassadors have been ferried and new Federation allies have been made. The job they do is anything but easy, and Spock is aware the effects are not lost on him either. The only difference is that Spock has always known stability, up until the destruction of his planet. He had both of his parents and a home, and although his peers had cast him out, he had routine and he had nothing to fear. Jim did not grow up so fortunate, cast aside by both peers and his guardians. His mother was sparsely home, and from what Spock has understood, her visits were not always pleasant. Then at the age of 12 he was sent off planet himself, and Spock does not dare speak of that time. Has lived it through his bondmate’s mind and shuddered at the memories; he has held his beloved through nightmares that plague his sleep. Jim’s life has always been inconsistent, but here on the ship he finally has a routine, and now that he has it, he’s unsure he ever wanted it.

Yes, their “routine” is unconventional. They risk their lives on almost a bi-weekly basis, to save people they have known for years and to save people they have only just met. It has never been an easy job, and will never get easier with time.

His bondmate is tired, he knows this, has tried to remedy it, but to no avail. So, he has given Jim his space, in mind and body, in hopes that Jim will find the peace he needs.

Jim smiles at him now, not one of the blindingly white, triumphant smiles he gives when he is happy, but a small one, genuine and kind. He lets his fingers slip out of Spock’s hand and raises two fingers towards him. Spock returns the gesture in kind, exhaling in a sort of relief through his nose. For now, his bondmate would be alright.

Jim curls his fingers around Spock’s in a non-traditional _ozh’esta_. Spock watches as Jim bites down on his lower lip before speaking, “You know what? Let’s go. This could be exactly what I need. To go out and see this show and be with my friends and you and relax a little bit.” He says and sits up with a new vigor he had not had before. He walks over to the closet, stretching and sighing the entire way; and Spock is human enough to take pleasure in the well-built form that is Jim. He stands and grabs his communicator, sending a quick message to Nyota that they would probably be a few minutes late, due to Jim’s inability to put on clothing in a timely manner.

He looks over to see Jim sifting through Spock’s side of the closet and not his own. “Hey- do you think-“ Jim starts, but is cut off by the sound of his PADD buzzing loudly on the desk in the corner of the room. He moves quickly, still only in his underwear to answer it, thankfully having the decency to put it on audio only.

“Captain Kirk.” The voice on the other end says, and Spock quickly recognizes it as Commodore Paris.

Jim blinks in surprise, looking down at his PADD, “Commodore. What can I do for you?” He asks and leans against the desk, looking over at Spock with an apologetic look.

“Captain, I am sorry if I have caught you at an inconvenient time. We have just had an unidentified ship fly into Yorktown’s dock. Security is escorting its only passenger to our labs. I would greatly appreciate your presence and assistance in Lab 308, we also still have a great deal to discuss about the _Enterprise_.”

Jim rakes a hand through his hair and sighs, “Yes, Commodore. I’ll be there in 30. I look forward to speaking with you. Kirk out.” He says and flips the communicator closed. He turns slowly to look at Spock, a sheepish look on his face.

Spock raises an eyebrow but nods, “As you are fond of saying: You must do, what you have to do.” Spock says and watches as Jim bites back a grin, walking over to him slowly.

“I think it’s more like: You gotta do what’cha gotta do. But close enough, and I appreciate your try.” He comments and comes to stand in front of Spock. He wraps his arms around Spock’s waist and his cheek falls to Spock’s shoulder. Spock brings his hands to settle at Jim’s bare waist, not able to resist tugging at the thin fabric partially covering his hips. Jim grins up at him and presses a kiss to Spock’s jaw. “I love you a lot.” He says quietly.

Spock turns his head to glance down at Jim, “And I you.” He says back, in a hushed voice. “But now you must put clothes on and meet with the Commodore and I must depart to go see our friends who are no doubt waiting on us.”

Jim takes a half step back and stands up straighter, “Tell them I’m sorry, okay? And I’m sorry I’m not going with you, I wanted to sit in a dark theater and secretly hold hands in a super non-Vulcan way. But I’ll be here when you get back and we can do a lot of other non-Vulcan things with our hands.” Jim waggles his eyebrows in what Spock has come to realize is supposed to mean obscene things.

He then tilts his head up and pouts his lips out, Spock resists the urge to shake his head at his human. He instead opts to lean down and connect their lips in a simple kiss. Spock pulls back, suddenly aware of how much skin Jim has exposed. “Please dress yourself before going to see the Commodore.” He says and Jim laughs, full of mirth and joy.

“Don’t worry. I only stay this unclothed for you, Commander.” Jim presses another kiss to Spock’s lips before taking a few steps back towards the closet, pulling out a uniform.

“I would only hope, Captain.” He says before turning to walk back over towards the door. He stops and turns, watching as Jim pulls on a pair of uniform slacks. “I shall see you later tonight, my Jim.” He says and Jim looks up and flashes a brilliant smile his direction, offering a wink before focusing on zipping and buttoning his pants.

Spock lets his lips curl up into a small smile as he leaves.

 

* * *

  

As Jim packs his clothes back into his duffle bag he thinks over what Commodore Paris told him. Somewhere in his brain he knows that leaving would be a huge mistake. He’s aware that if he leaves Spock will go with him, that Spock would give up the _Enterprise_ and every friend he’s ever known just to follow Jim while he has a quarter life crisis.

He worries at his bottom lip as he thinks it over. Maybe he shouldn’t leave? Maybe he should take back his application. Commodore Paris seemed more than willing to act as though he never even sent it in in the first place.

He liked Captaining, he loved flying his girl around and seeing new places and he knew it was where he belonged, with his bondmate by his side. The best command team in Starfleet. He should muddle through whatever slump he’s got himself in and then come out the other side victorious like he always does, but it just- Jim can’t _see_ the other side of the tunnel. Usually he can see where he’ll end up after a conflict, and during a conflict. He knows when things will end up okay or not, but with this he just can’t tell what decision would make him happy. And it’s _terrifying_.

He wishes he knew where he’d be after this. If he’d make it out of this funk, he would be fine.

Maybe Paris is right, maybe this is all just because of his extended time out in space. Normally he would have had years and years of off and on again missions to prepare him for these types of long term voyages. But he never got that. Never got to be a Cadet serving time on a ship, never got to be a Lieutenant or Ensign making their way through the ranks. He never had to serve as a First Officer for years before even daring to dream about being Captain.

He could be self destructive and say that he’s only Captain because of what happened to all of the senior crew and most of the cadets during the _Narada_ incident. But he knows that would be a lie, he’s a capable Captain, he’s the best in the fleet. He _knows_ this, feels it in his heart and soul that he’s the best Captain the ‘fleet has had yet. He’s just sick of being out here and doing the same 3 things all day until some disaster strikes.

He groans and angrily tosses in the final shirt he had to pack and then zips up his bag, setting it in on the luggage transportation pad in the room, he keys in the code and it gets beamed up, back to his quarters on the _Enterprise_. When he turns back around from the transport pad Spock is in the room. And its bizarre how Jim couldn’t feel him enter, couldn’t feel Spock’s focus shift onto him. Their bond is suffering and its Jim’s fault.

“Hey.” He says, lamely and Spock approaches him.

Spock frowns, “You are uneasy.” Spock says and tries to reach out to him, but Jim just shrugs and moves out of reach. Spock doesn’t sigh, “It would be easier for me to tell how you felt if I could feel your mind.” Spock comments softly and Jim almost has the urge to reach out and push him away, to push him out of the room and away from Jim.

They had never talked about it, Spock had let Jim have his space and Jim wishes he never mentioned a single word about it. About Jim closing the bond and about Spock just letting it happen without any worries. But obviously it wasn’t meant to last. Spock had taken a pic ax to their glacier of a topic.

Jim doesn’t reply, only looks past Spock and shakes his head. Spock takes a step forward and Jim takes a step back. “Jim.” Spock says, almost in a whisper. “I have allowed both of us some reprieve from the trials of keeping a bond, but it eventually takes a toll on us both to keep it closed like so.”

Jim shrugs once more. “I just need some more time.” Jim says and when he looks at Spock’s face- the emotion there is clear. Hurt.

“3 months is not enough time?” Spock inquires and Jim shakes his head.

“No.”

Spock nods. “I see.”

Jim narrows his eyes at that. “No, you don’t.”

Spock nods once more. “No, I do not. Because you have blocked off our bond to where I can barely locate you, let alone try to decipher how you feel. I would be able to help you if I could only-“

“No, you wouldn’t! You can’t help this, Spock. I just need time. I don’t want you in my mind right now. I just want _my_ thoughts, _my_ feelings. I don’t want anyone else’s.” He says, his voice rising steadily.

He looks up at Spock and sees his bondmate (if they could even be called that anymore) shake his head. “I understand that being bonded is difficult for humanoids that are not of Vulcan or telepathic ancestry. It can be especially tolling on those who are psi-null.” Spock says and Jim wants to intervene but he just keeps going. “Although you test right on the other side of psi-null it can still be quite a task to maintain a bond as strong as ours especially on-“ And Jim has to stop him there.

He raises a hand and frowns, “Yeah. Especially on a weak, stupid human. I’m sorry that not all of us are as cut out for everything as Vulcans are.” He spits out, nastily, and he doesn’t even feel a bit of remorse as he says it. Maybe he’s more Vulcan than he thought.

Spock just looks shocked, in a very impassive way. “If you would unblock the bond you would find that I meant no offense to you whe-“

“Sure! Okay! Maybe! But I don’t want to unblock the bond! I don’t want to deal with my own thoughts let alone having to sort through yours too! I don’t want anyone in my mind right now! I don’t want _you_ in my mind!” He yells and he quickly shuts his mouth after, staring blankly at Spock.

He doesn’t have to open the bond to see the pain that has settled on Spock’s usually inexpressive face. Jim turns away from him, rubbing at his face. The bond is still closed, but Jim knows Spock has left the room by the hiss of the doors.

 

* * *

 

 

They pack back onto the _Enterprise_ fairly quickly. Everyone gets settled back into their cabins and into their jobs with the efficiency of any great crew. Jim is thankful that everything is going so smoothly. Especially when this could possibly be his last mission on his silver lady, and with all of his friends. He loves them, he really does. But he can’t stand to suffocate any longer.

It’s been about 6 hours since his fight with Spock and Jim can barely look in his direction. He didn’t mean that he never wanted Spock in his mind. Most of the time it’s amazing, the best thing to ever happen. But he can’t stand the thought of Spock hearing his thoughts, hearing how he doesn’t love his job anymore, doesn’t love space anymore.

Jim still loves him. Jim will always love him, whether they share a cabin on the _Enterprise_ or whether they’re posted on different stations for the rest of their lives. He’ll always want to be bonded to Spock- to be married to Spock- to be _with_ Spock in some sense of the way.

It’s slightly ironic that shortly after the fight that Jim’s clasp on his necklace comes loose. It’s not _broken_ , but the small clip is bent awkwardly, and although the necklace closes around his neck, the chain slips out from the clip through a small crack created by the bend.

Jim settles for placing the necklace in his pants pocket and hunting Uhura down.

Uhura was a pro at jewelry. She made her own earrings, bracelets, rings and necklaces from artifacts and stones that they picked up on different planets and space stations. Jim trusted her enough to let her hold onto the necklace in order to fix it.

“Hey- Hey Ny!” Jim said as they both walked towards their quarters on the _Enterprise._ He jogged to catch up with her, holding his necklace in his hand.

Nyota turned as she heard her name called and smiled at Jim. “Hey, Jim, what’s up?” She asks and continues to walk as he catches up with her. They fall into an easy pace together down the hall.

Jim holds up the necklace with a frown, “My clasp broke on my necklace, I was wondering if you could take a look at it and see if you could fix it.” He asks and gives her a sheepish smile. She nods and holds out her hand for the necklace. Jim carefully drapes the necklace into her palm. She grabs the circular clasp and holds it up to get a look at it, pressing down on the clip. She nods, looking back up at Jim.

“Yeah, it just looks like the clasp is jammed a little bit. I can fix it no problem.” She smiles and Jim sighs in relief. “I’ll have it back to you before we reach back to Yorktown, Jim.” She says and puts the necklace in her right dress pocket- and _God_ ; wasn’t that an amazing invention. _Dress. Pockets.-_   before frowning.

Jim’s smile falls quickly. She _knows._

“I know something happened before we came back on board. I won’t ask about it, because you seem just as weirdly thrown off as he does, and it’s none of my business to get into your marriage.” She comments, “But if you need to talk about it, or need to talk about the,” She grapples for a word, “ _logistics_ of a Vulcan-Human marriage. You can come talk to me. You’re my friend as much as he is.” She proclaims proudly as they arrive at her quarter’s. The doors _whoosh_ open behind her and she smiles, patting her pocket and turning away with a, “See you on the bridge!” before Jim can respond.

The doors shut behind her and Jim feels an ache in his chest where his pendant usually sat. He reaches his hand up to grasp at a pendant that wouldn’t be there for a day or more.

They would be navigating through the nebula for the next 12 hours, and then they would arrive at Altamid.

 

* * *

  

Of course, when Jim arrives at his and Spock’s quarters, he’s not there. He’s already unpacked the clothes he took onto Yorktown and everything is back in order in their room. Jim’s bag is waiting next to their bed, untouched.

Which is fine, of course. Jim doesn’t expect Spock to unpack his clothes for him, especially after they’re tiff.  Or whatever they’re going through.

He changes into a uniform and makes his way up to the bridge. By chance, or by fate, Spock and him end up being the only ones in the turbolift.

It’s as awkward as you would expect. There’s a tense silence and even Spock seems affected by it. They both keep their heads down, unwilling to talk and the bond is still as closed off as ever. It stays like that until the turbolift gets halfway to their destination and Jim speaks up.

“Uhm- when we get back… there’s something I want to talk to you about.” He says, quietly, not looking at Spock directly.

Spock stares him down and answers back, “I as well have something to share.” He speaks and Jim’s heart strings tighten for a moment. What did Spock have to say to him? Was this it? Did Jim finally screw up to the point where Spock wanted to end it? To break their bond completely? Jim’s heart races in his chest, his breathing picking up a fraction. Jim didn’t want to _end it._ He just needed time, needed to get away for a while. He didn’t want a… _divorce._ Never in a million years does he want to be separated from Spock like that. He always wants Spock, wants to be near him, to touch him to be able to feel that pure _happiness_ that radiates through him when they go out together.

Jim looks up and Spock’s eyes dart to his throat and his eyes widen. It surprises Jim more that there is blatant shock on Spock’s face, to where anyone could tell by looking at him. Spock swallows so hard Jim could hear it, “You are not wearing your pendant.” He says, eerily quiet and Jim’s own eyes widen. He reaches up to his chest and nods.

“Oh yeah! The clasp- it uh- it’s jammed, or that’s what Nyota said. I gave it to her so she could fix it, she said it would be done before we got back to Yorktown.” He says and then adds, “I- I would never take it off- _never_. I- I couldn’t do that. I wouldn’t want to.” He diverts his eyes after he says that and lowers his hand from his chest.

“I see.” Spock says, and Jim swears he could hear him sigh in relief. Okay, so maybe Spock didn’t want to end this.

The turbolift starts to slow to a stop and Jim speaks up again.

“I love you.” He says, barely above a whisper but Spock hears him.

“And I you.” Spock replies and the doors open to the bridge. Jim looks up at him with a small smile and Spock gestures for him to go through the doors before him and Jim does.

As he goes to sit down in his chair and make the shipwide broadcast, he figures this will be the longest mission of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this is more than a little late. I just lose track of time so easily. I'll try to be better? I love you all! Comments and Kudos make me write faster. ;))) Thank you for reading!


	5. Hitting the Saucer a Little Hard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -sobs in relief- HI! My laptop was broken for almost all of the time I was gone and I just got this chapter finished just now and I've been working on it all week for you guys. I apologize and I am already beginning on the next chapter so get ready.

 Falling.

 

Jim Kirk has felt like he was falling several times in his life. But it was never like this.

When Jim was 4 and Retak pushed him down the big kid slide on the playground, he felt the safety of a controlled drop as he twisted and laughed and smiled. When he was 7, and Frank had decided that it wasn’t good enough to just hit Sam anymore, that Jimmy needed ‘punishing’ too; he felt himself fall as he blacked out. At 11 he watched the Corvette fall off of the quarry cliff and he could feel his soul fall with it, the last remaining piece of his father that his mother had kept, falling. When he was 13 and starving, he was sure that they would die, and he should have stayed and been shot by Kodos when he could have instead of this _pain._ And he could feel his humanity fall away with every friend, every child he saw slowly starve to death.

He promised himself he would never fall in love. But when he was 26 and he stared back at warm brown eyes as he was dying, he knew he had already fallen, and he barely noticed it.

But none of it was ever like this.

His entire being was falling. Quite literally and metaphorically. He watched as his silver girl; his pride and joy, the thing that held him together most days when he never seemed to be happy enough, fell.

Plummeted was more of the correct word.

They were plummeting at an alarming rate towards Altamid’s atmosphere and her surface just below. The nacelles were cut off completely, and Uhura had gone in and disengaged the saucer from the rest of the broken pieces of the ship. He has no idea where Bones or Spock are, couldn’t blow open the bond even if he tried, it’s inactivity for the past couple of months rendering it useless. He would need Spock to meld with him to get it back to it’s original strength. He could tell Spock was alive, and that would have to be enough for now.

His heart felt heavy and if he didn’t have to hold it together for everyone, he would be breaking down in tears right there in front of the open window. This is why he can’t do it, this is why he needs to stay away from his crew, his ship, from space.

He looked around the abandoned bridge, the lights burnt out and emergency lights turned on and flashing. He looked at his Captain’s chair and stood up straight. He would get them through this, and then he would be done.

The fall would be over.

 

* * *

 

 

Jim in Captain mode was different than Jim during his day to day life. He knew this. Sometimes the two intermixed. He couldn’t turn off his natural personality and be all Captain all day, sometimes his humor, his charm, and his sarcastic and slightly self-depricating jokes came through.

But right now, he couldn’t afford to be just Jim.

His head was pounding, and it didn’t help that the landing of the survival pod was rough and jarring. He could feel the bond pulse steadily in the back of his mind and it _ached_. It ached with knowledge that his bondmate was alive, yet the link was so poor. The amount of distress that was on him and probably (God, he hoped not) on Spock was also a viable reason for the pounding against his skull. While the survival pod had a medical bag that contained painkillers, he knew it wouldn’t help. He wouldn’t have taken it anyways; he wanted to feel Spock, to know he was alive, even if it was painful.

Jim was worried, in pain, and tired. He couldn’t afford any mistakes, couldn’t afford to lose his crew to this.

He takes a moment to compose himself before changing into the survival suit. He pulls on the jacket of the suit as soon as he hops out of the pod and immediately starts to pack up. Phaser, extra comm, battery packs, a knife, and some basic survival tools that are stuffed into the pod. He not so fondly remembers the last time he came out of one of these things, on a freezing planet made of ice and terror, and hoped that this planet would be a little more manageable.

Although the forest he landed in is lush and the trees are huge, there are large clearings he can see across. The grass (or whatever it is) is just low enough in places to see his surroundings perfectly. He sees a survival pod, and someone packing up their things. He squints to see that far, sees the mark of Ensign on the side of the pod and knows it is possibly the only Ensign that was on the bridge at the time they departed.

He calls out to him and feels a weight off his chest when the person responds by making eye contact with him and hurrying over to him. He scans the clearing again and sees a pod not even 40 feet from his. He glances back in Chekov’s direction before heading over to it. Halfway there the person starts to come out from the pod and he feels immediate anger bubbling up into him.

The alien whose crew they came out to save, the alien who sent them into a trap, the alien who lied to Federation officers and cost him possible lives of his crew, his family, the only people that he cares about.

He hurries to get over to xer, “You knew!” He seethes. “You knew we’d be attacked.” He accuses and he hears his Universal Translator kick in as xe speaks, but he doesn’t care. Xe lied to them all. He draws his phaser, he’s vaguely aware that it’s not set on stun, but he could care less.

“Captain!” He hears from behind him, and hearing the kid’s voice (even though Pavel will be 21 in a few months) makes him almost sigh in relief. “Captain Kirk!”

He keeps his focus on the alien, his face schooled into a stern expression as the Universal Translator starts up again.

“ _Yes, I lied. Our ship was attacked.”_ Stutters the robotic voice, but he doesn’t move still. He takes a deep breath to get his head together.

“Chekov, check the comms for survivors.” He grinds out, his mind running over the word ‘survivors’ thinking over the list of people under his command, hoping, _praying._

“A-Aye Captain.” Comes the stuttered response.

He continues with the alien, “Who is he?” And it comes out more of a demand than a question.

“ _His name is Krall.”_ The UT spits out. “ _He took my crew. Like he took yours.”_

His eyes narrow, “How do you know so much about the _Enterprise?”_ His silver lady, his life, who is burnt and broken and-

“ _All I know is that… if I did this… he would set them free.”_

Lies.

He knows xe’s lying, that xe’s still toying with them, trying to gain their trust back. It’s a feeble attempt. Jim doesn’t trust easily, and for good reason, too.

“Chekov, are you picking anything up on those scanners?” He asks over his shoulder.

The answer comes timidly, “Nothing, sir.” A pause, “What if they…”

“No.” He states firmly. “No.” He repeats, trying to reason with himself. “He was taking them.” He takes another breath. “We have to find that saucer, even minimal scanning systems will have more range than a tricorder.” He decides.

“Aye Captain, it’s possible.”

The UT buzzes up again, _“Captain, I was protecting my crew.”_

Maybe xe was protecting xer crew, but right now, he was protecting his.

 

* * *

 

 

The pain was almost unbearable.

The pain in his head, the throbbing, pulsating pain was making his shields falter and crumble. As his shields fell he could start to feel the pain in his side, unsure as of yet what had caused it. He could not determine it, could not reach into his mind to try and decipher what was happening, All he could feel was the pain.

He reached towards the source of it in his mind, and he prayed that what he would find would not be broken. As he pictured the strong, brilliant, silver tinted rope that was his bondmate, he was relieved to find it unscathed, but dark. Jim’s pulse was faint in the background of his mind, but the bond was suffering. The bond had not been completely inactive for the past months, but it was a near thing. He had not engaged in a meld with his bondmate in far too long, and now the mental trauma of the situation had taken its toll.

He was brought out of his mind by a sharp stabbing in his side, his eyes flying open at the feeling. He let out a gasp and tried to regulate his breathing as soon as possible. He looked around the now severely damaged craft and saw that Doctor McCoy was no longer inside. He lifts himself off of the ground with some effort, grunting in pain as he does so. He tries to pull himself through the opening of the craft, but the strain on his side is proving to be difficult. He manages to lift himself out with a groan. His vision blurs as a wave of pain washes over him, he manages to catch a glimpse at what is impaling him.

Doctor McCoy rushes to his side and helps him further out of the craft and they manage, or rather struggle, to get Spock to lay against the side of the craft. McCoy mumbles and speaks as Spock let’s out noises of pain. Spock breathes heavily, as he lets the metal of the shuttle support most of his weight.

McCoy is seemingly already assessing his injuries. Although McCoy is not Spock’s official doctor on board the ship, he knows enough of Spock’s biology that Spock knows McCoy would not let him die.

“Okay- uh, now just- uh, try and relax you’re going to be okay.” McCoy says but Spock can tell his voice is strained.

“The forced optimism in your voice suggests that you are trying to illicit a sense of calm in order t-“

“Cut the horseshit.” McCoy cuts him off and Spock raises his head to give him a confused look.

“Doctor, I fail to see how excrement of any kind bears relevance on our current situation.” Spock says, although he knows what the Doctor means. Spock tries to sit up and winces, reaching out to steady himself on McCoy’s shoulder and trying to get up. They needed to move now, the longer they waited the less their chances of finding the crew increased.

McCoy protests loudly, “Woah! What the hell are you doing?” He exclaims.

“We must keep moving, Doctor.” Spock grunts out through the pain.

McCoy tries to push him back down onto the side of the craft. Spock cannot hear what the Doctor says next over the blinding pain that shoots through his side. They need to move- they need to find the crew. He needs to find Jim. He spits out, “Time is a critical factor, Doctor.” When he thinks McCoy is finished.

He leans back onto the craft and tries to control his breathing. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you! Look, if I can’t take this out, you’re gonna die. If I take it out and can’t stop the bleeding, you’re gonna die.” McCoy explains and Spock resists the urge to roll his eyes.

“I can see no appeal in either option.”

The Doctor grumbles under his breath before moving away from him. Spock lays back and tries to control his thoughts, but they’re scrambled and seemingly unreachable. “So,” The Doctor continues. “If I remember uh- correctly, Vulcans have their hearts where humans have their uh- livers.”

“That is correct, Doctor.”

Spock can hear McCoy pulling at the side of the craft, but he does not ask why, cannot seem to do anything but try to be calm, try to not reach out towards the throbbing in his head, where Jim should be.

The Doctor speaks more, Spock wishes he was human for a moment just to be able to tell him to shut up. Their banter is familiar and strangely calming while Spock is in distress. Spock knows that if he is not treated that this wound could kill him. He wishes he could keep going, so they could return to the ship, return home. He also does not wish to die. His thoughts stray briefly over that, if he died here, Jim would be in unbearable amounts of pain. He would never be able to see his human’s face again, or his startlingly bright eyes and beautiful laugh. Spock wishes that he did not leave things as tense as he did. He could have easily apologized to Jim and moved on, but he only wished to help, wanted the bond open so that Jim could feel how much he was loved, how much Spock longed for him to be near at every moment.

Doctor McCoy moves back into Spock’s sight, “Alright, Spock. I just got one question… What’s your favorite color?”

Spock’s eyebrows furrow in confusion, “I fail to see the relevance of- Agh!” He breaks off into a yell as Doctor McCoy promptly pulls the shard out of his side and presses the heated piece of metal to the wound.

When his vision returns from the blinding pain, McCoy is inspecting the piece of the craft. “Yeah, they say it hurts less if it’s a surprise.” He tosses the shard and continues to inspect the wound on Spock’s side.

Spock blinks heavily, “If I may adopt a parlance with which you are familiar, I can confirm your theory to be- horseshit.” Spock let’s his head fall back onto the craft and winces.

“We gotta get out of here.”

Spock couldn’t agree more.

His favorite color is the blue of his bondmate’s eyes, and he wishes to see them again.

 

* * *

 

 

Jim was told that when a Captain’s ship goes down, the Captain usually goes down with it. Although Jim didn’t physically hit the ground with his beautiful girl, he could feel his heart plummet into his stomach as he looked at her. She was propped up on one side, the edges of her torn from when she broke atmosphere without the proper controls, at a too fast speed. There were edges around the saucer that were dark and burnt, and melting metal could be smelt in the air. There were parts of her that were still smoking, and still kindling small flames.

He had to tear his eyes away from her. If he looked too carefully he could point out exactly where his and Spock’s quarter’s were. Where Bones’ and Uhura’s and Scotty’s and Sulu’s rooms were. Where his favorite observation deck was, where him and Spock would spend countless nights watching the stars and barely speaking, middle and pointer fingers curled together aimlessly. He could point out almost every area on his ship, even when she was damaged and burnt up.

He knew she could still get them out of here. She couldn’t fly, but she could sure as hell help them out.

When they got to the bridge Jim bit his lip. It was dark and unfeeling, not the bright and happy expanse of the bridge that he had gotten used to. There were charred remains of metal and wires, random pieces of scrap and glass. He wished he could un-see it all.

The alien followed behind him and Chekov without a word, Jim knew she wasn’t with them. Knew xe was going to turn xer back on them at some point, he just had to give xer the chance. So he takes xer with him to go get the artifact- even though he hid the artifact- or well Syl hid the artifact for him.

He gives Chekov a discreet nod as he leaves, keeping a close eye for any changes in behavior in their alien ‘friend’. He ponders over why whoever this _Krall_ dude is would be taking his crew. Bargaining chip maybe? Looking for something from the Federation? Or maybe just out of plain malicious intent. He doesn’t linger on what Krall could be doing his crew in the meantime. Nightfall came fast on Altamid, a full day cycle for the planet was around 10 hours and 34 minutes.

He tries to resist the urge to sigh as he drops down to open the container where he told xer he left the artifact.

“I hid it in here.” He says and he sees xer leg move quickly towards his face. He could have easily dodged xer attempt and taken xer down himself, but where was the fun in that? The blow hurt his still aching head, and he stays down for probably longer than he intended. Xe quickly grabs his phaser and aims it at him, opening a communicator and where the hell did xe get that? Xe speaks into it, the UT firing up after her first few words.

_“Tell Krall… I have the Abronath.”_ His eyes dart to the corridor where Chekov is slowly but surely making his way, a phaser in his hand. Xe bends down to retrieve an artifact that isn’t even on the ship in the first place and looks at him. _“Do you believe every sad story you hear?”_

If he didn’t feel like his brain was bouncing around in his skull he would have smirked as she looked down into the empty vault. “Not every.” He says calmly.

Chekov’s phaser charges up and he speaks, “Put the phaser down…” And Jim feels a little bit of pride swell within him. “Please.” Chekov adds as an afterthought and Jim mentally sighs. They would work on it.

Xe slumps in defeat and Jim moved to stand up, wincing as he does so. “Did you get it Chekov?” He asks, maintaining eye contact with xer.

“Aye Captain, I have traced the location of xer call.” Pavel confirms as Jim snatches the phaser out of xer hand. He keeps it lowered and moves over to Chekov, standing next to him.

“What does Krall want with this thing?” He asks. Xer answer doesn’t put him at ease.

_“To save you. From yourselves.”_

“Captain!” Chekov exclaims and Jim’s adrenaline immediately kicks in.

He raises his phaser and manages to send a blast towards the intruders before turning and running. Their immediately met with a drop down, that technically is supposed to be a corridor, but the whole ship- his girl- is turned on it’s side at the moment, an awkward slant. The second they land they draw their weapons on the opening from which they dropped into. Jim is good at this stuff, fighting and running and he knows every battle tactic like the back of his hand.

This is the part of being Captain that he lives for. Not that he doesn’t enjoy most of the other stuff, but yeah, _this_ is what he’s the best at. But unfortunately, not every day can be spent kicking ass and taking names. Most days are paper work and mean diplomatic affairs.

Chekov and him make an awkward shuffle along a wall of the _Enterprise_ before Jim decides the only place to go is down and drops to slide across the floor. The turn of the ship being just perfect to keep his momentum going, he hears Chekov close behind him. They reach a wall and Jim takes to a stand. It’s hard to run across the walls of the _Enterprise_. The squared and textured pattern isn’t optimal for running. It’s a struggle as they make their way around the saucer. They half run on the wall and the part of the floor that isn’t at a hard angle.

They make their way- with great difficultly- across the ship. Jim can see in the distance exactly what he’s looking for. The _Enterprise_ may not have power but sure as shit some things in engineering still do. Jim realizes that if he does this and they can’t make the silver lady work some magic that they are basically stuck. That xe and her helpers have them trapped and their only option would be to jump into the 50 foot drop of a section of engineering bay.

He pushes through into the small clearing on walkway and Chekov follows him. He checks down the hallway for xer and xer buddies. “You alright?” He says over the noise, of the burning and creaking of the ship.

“Yes Captain! But we are trapped!” He acknowledges and Jim nods for a second. Yeah, they are.

Jim moves to the side of the wall for cover, he hears and phaser blast and glances down the hallway. Oh, they phaser blast is coming towards his face. He moves quickly out of sight and takes a deep breath. He thinks about how Spock taught him some ‘under duress’ mental exercises to do in times like these. Things that the bond could manage without him having to do major brain work. He tries to get a little focus on them, tries to get the bond fired up enough to get through the exercises at least to calm him down.

He leans back through the doorway, glancing over Chekov to make sure he’s okay. “Can you get this thing started?” He asks, hurriedly.

Chekov looks at him with wide eyes, “Are you insinuating that we should engage the thrusters?” He says in a rush, and with a heavy amount of disbelief. Jim almost shakes his head at him. The kid has obviously been spending too much time around Spock with the way he talks.

Jim gives a minute shrug and turns to look down the hallway, “I am open to other suggesstions!” He says and shoots a few more blasts down the hall, towards the oncoming attack.

“Ohh-kay. Ah.” He hears behind him as Chekov gets started on the panel before him. “There’s- there’s a problem, sir.”

“What?”

“The fuel is primed I cannot get it to combust!” Chekov exclaims and waves his arms around, clearly frustrated.

Alright, this is something Jim can fix.

Jim eases himself over to the side of the railing, and looks over the side. One wrong move and he could go over, they both could. Chekov makes a dismayed sound as he realizes where Jim is going with this. “Oi Captain, we are basically standing on a very large bomb!” He says, frantic. “If you miss the combust-“

“I’m not gonna miss, com’on!” Jim hisses back at him. He’s got the best aim on the ship, possibly the best in the fleet.

“Do you even know what the combustion compressor looks like?!” Chekov asks, and Jim shrugs. He knows every part of his lady up and down, of course he knows.

“Ah, its square, right?” He says over the increasing noise of phaser fire and his poor girl breaking down. He sees the basic shape of the compressor and shoots.

“No! It is.. round…” Chekov says, defeated.

“That’s what I said!” Jim shouts back.

And then the flamed begin to shoot upwards.

He gives Chekov a shove and they both book it out of the corridor, they take a few twists and turns. And Jim is trying to make his way back to the bridge. They’re running full sprint when they make it to a broken outer corridor. They’re being shot at from behind so the only way to go is over. “Go!” Jim yells and both him and Chekov make a leap for it, flailing to land. Once they’re steady on their feet, or well, as steady as they can be with the _Enterprise_ ’s thrusters slowly lifting her up and twisting, he sends a few phaser shots back.

The thrusters start igniting more and more and he can feel his girl try to lift them up, try to help them. They sprint to the bridge and Jim runs over to the glass screen. “Chekov!” He yells and they both start to shoot out the glass. It hurts him to do so, to hurt his girl like this, but it’s their only choice for escape. The glass fractures enough, and Jim runs at it, Chekov right behind him. They bust through the glass and land on the hull of the ship. It’s a long, painful, slide downwards. Xe and her cronies obviously have no issue following behind. The _Enterprise_ wheezes and groans as she starts to burn up.

Jim turns on his belly to shoot at their attackers, just aiming in their general vicinity. The _Enterprise_ gives out a hefty moan and starts to flip upright, no longer at a steady decline. He and Chekov make a jump for it into the ruble beneath them.

Jim manages to come to a standing position when his girl starts to fall over towards them. “Chekov! Move!” He practically screams over the noise and takes off at a sprint once more. They manage to make it out from underneath the ship before she falls over on top of them. Jim skull is pounding as he tries to even out his breathing as he runs.

When the _Enterprise_ finally falls an explosion knocks them off of their feet and carries them forward. Jim’s only coherent thought at that moment is: _Spock._

 

* * *

 

 

Almost halfway across the planet, Spock collapses as his mind is overcome with agony when their bond rips itself open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading you beautiful being you! Also, when referencing to the alien that betrays the crew (I have no fuckin clue what her name is) I used Xe instead of She. Aliens don't go by human terms of gender duhhhh. So who knows they could be a dude by their planet's standards, we don't know. Yippee. Anyways, Comments, Kudos, anything you wanna give me, heck yeah. See you next time.


	6. Back From Black

Pain was something that all Vulcans could manage. Depending on the degree of the injury you suffered, pain could be controlled. Spock knows this. You are taught to control minor infractions of pain when you are a child. Such techniques were taught when the child would get small scuffs and bruises. Spock can remember a time when he had scraped his arm while practicing a training form of _suus mahna_ with another child from his class. It had occurred in the backyard of their Vulcan home, next to his mother’s quaint garden of plants. His father, who had been observing them practice, had taken him aside and taught him his very first steps to controlling physical pain.

 Spock has most likely had more practical application with the process of controlling pain than most of his Vulcan peers. It was a fact of life and a matter of being in Starfleet that he would get injured at some point. He doubts his younger self had any true idea of just _how much_ he would get injured during his life serving as a Starfleet officer. There were few away missions aboard the _Enterprise_ where he would come back unscathed. It was no matter of course, because if it was not him- it was Jim.

Pain that stems from a bond was different than physical pain. Bonds were complicated things, and were woven intricately within the minds of the bonded pair. Physical pain could not be shared along a bond, only emotions and thoughts. That did not mean that the bond cannot be the _cause_ of the pain. An unconsummated bond would cause pain between _telsu_ , giving them headaches, pains and an overall discomfort. Pain can also be felt when dissolving a bond of any strength, but was particularly unsavory when a strong bond had been formed. (Some bonds are so strong they are unable to break- even past death.) Pain can also be found when a bonded pair blocks the bond for an extended period of time.

Being bonded is a sacred right to have access to the mind of your beloved, to better understand, to become one, to always have a tether to your mate. Depending on the strength of the bond itself and the duration for which it is blocked is how much pain will occur. Without direct access into your _telsu’s_ mind the bond starts to demand it, needs the connection in order to function. If the bond is blocked for an extended period of time, a healer may need to interfere to make sure re-opening the connection will not hurt either mind.

Spock’s bond with Jim could not be described. There were no words in Federation Standard that could be used to describe the type of bond they shared. No words held a strong enough connotation to be accurate. Their bond was all-encompassing, a fire that consumed them both when they let it. Their bodies, minds and souls all depended on this bond now that it had formed.

Jim had blocked their bond for months and now it rippled like fire and glacial ice through his veins. Spock had been irresponsible and a refutable bondmate for allowing Jim to continue blocking them like this. They had both felt the effects of the bond, had suffered the fatigue and the constant headaches of having a closed connection. Spock feels it is himself to blame. He had not told Jim the damage a bond of their multitude could do to them if shut off, did not take the time to care of his bondmate so that he did not feel the despondence that Spock knows he does.

Spock slowly gains his consciousness, his mind throbbing but somehow feeling more active than it had in years. He must have fallen into a healing trance. That is the only explanation he can infer from the familiar numbness throughout his body. His side still aches and he knows that if he moves it will flare up in a cacophony of hurt. He remains laying, deciding to instead take mental stock of the events that have just occurred. He enters his own mind and uses what little strength he has to manage the pain in his side. The pain in his mind however, cannot be blocked or managed. There is a glittering rope of beautiful gold and silver threads, delicate and hair thin, woven together and he recognizes it instantly.

_T'hy’la._

Jim had somehow- consciously or unconsciously thrown open the floodgates of their bond. Spock’s immediate feeling is one of relief. Jim was alive. He was alive and he was not in harm’s way at this time. He could almost let out a sob from the sheer amount of hope he feels at knowing Jim is still alive. If Jim is alive, and Spock manages to stay alive- they will see each other again.

Spock also realizes that as soon as they get out of the mess that they have managed to put themselves in- they will need to travel to New Vulcan. From what Spock can assess the bond is still as healthy as it was previously- but that does not mean that side effects from the elongated blocking of the bond wouldn’t appear with time. Spock is not so poor of a mate that he would allow Jim to become injured.

Spock continues to rest his eyes and his mind until he can hear someone calling out to him, much to his annoyance.

“Spock.”

“Spock, wake up, dammit!”

Spock opens his eyes to see Leonard staring him in the face, there is a concerned crease in his forehead and his eyes are wide with something akin to fright. Spock lets his eyes become accustomed to the lighting of the secluded cave and then focuses on removing the Doctor’s hands from his face.

“I am entirely conscious, Doctor.” Spock speaks, and his voice is quiet and feels rough in his throat. “I am simply contemplating the nature of mortality.” He states, as the Doctor takes a seat next to him.

“Feeling philosophical, huh? Massive blood loss will do that to ya.” Leonard says, with a voice that states he knows just _how_ philosophical people can get when they lose too much blood. He seems more unconcerned about Spock’s injuries than he was previously, perhaps because there is not much he can do besides wait.

Spock blinks, “He is alive.” He says, his voice coming out in a reverent whisper. “He is alive.” He repeats, mostly to himself.

Leonard sits up at that, looking at him with wide eyes in question. “Jim?” He asks, and Spock nods in confirmation. The Doctor nods in return and sits back against the wall, looking more relieved than he has since they crashed. “I never did understand all of that-“ He moves his hands around his temple, “mind stuff that Vulcans have. Bonds make the brain even more tricky, messy and confusing than the brain without a bond.” He mutters ruefully. “But I can’t say I’m not grateful for Jim and yours bond in situations like these.” He shrugs.

“I cannot gather anymore information other than Jim’s status of health from the bond at this time. Even then- I do not know much more than that he is alive…” Spock replies and Leonard frowns.

“I thought you and Jim had creepy mind conversations all the time? Hate it when ya’ll do that- freaks me out.” He grumbles out. Spock knows the Doctor has a dislike when Jim and he communicate within the bond. They often forget that no one else can hear them.

“Jim and I have not used the bond in quite some time. He had made the decision to close his side of the bond months ago.” Spock explains quietly, and he looks away from his hands, trying to distract himself.

Leonard let out a concerned noise, “Are you guys fighting?” He asks, obviously invested.

Spock shakes his head, “No. Jim has- I have also been at fault for our bond’s state. I have been withholding from him as well.”

When Spock looks back over towards the Doctor he looks confused as ever. “I thought you guys shared everything with each other? That’s- I mean… the point of a bond is to share your minds, I thought you two did that.” Leonard inquires and Spock gives him a look.

“I recently received news that affected me unexpectedly. I closed the bond so Jim would not have to muddle through my emotions as well as his own.” Spock whispers, his voice was so quiet that he barely could believe that is was his any longer.

“What news?”

Spock swallows, his throat suddenly feeling constricted as he relives getting the message from his father. “Ambassador Spock has died.” He speaks, looking over towards the Doctor, whose face goes through a flurry of emotions.

Leonard grapples for a response, “Oh… Spock- I’m so sorry.” Spock turns his gaze away. His eyes are watering and he does not have the proper control on his body to stop them. “I- I can’t imagine what that must… feel… like.”

Spock composes himself as much as he can, taking in a deep breath and calming himself. “When you have lived as many lives as he- fear of death is illogical.”

“Fear of death is what keeps us alive.” Leonard says in a matter of fact voice.

Spock turns towards the Doctor, unsure for a moment if he should disclose the information he is about to. But he figures that it can do no harm. “I wish to live as he did. That is why I had decided to redirect my efforts and continue his work… on New Vulcan.” He speaks, slightly unsure of the response he will get in return.

Leonard turns to look at him, a mix of shock and confusion on his face. “You’re leaving Starfleet? You’re leaving Jim?” He questions and Spock wants to refute about the possibility that Jim decided to come with him, but it is not the time to pick at a battle he will lose. “What did he have to say about that?” He asks, and Spock can tell that he is trying to stay calm.

Spock gives a sad tilt of his lips. “I could not find the time to tell him.” He admits.

Leonard shakes his head. “Shit, Spock. I don’t know how Jim could live without you. I don’t want to get into your marriage- and I never will- but, Jim loves you.” He says, “I dunno what the hell he’s going through right now, or what he’s thinking trying to keep you out of it but- you’re his whole world. You can’t leave him.” He speaks with a shake of his head.

“I intended to speak with him before I made anymore official arrangements. I will deal with it when we have the time. At present I would just like to live long enough to see him, any other discussion can be held at a later date.” Spock informs him, leaning his head back against the wall.

Leonard looks at him and shakes his head, “Besides, you can’t leave me to control the crazy bastard by myself. He doesn’t do a damn thing I tell him!” He exclaims. Spock can feel the beginnings of a smile start to form on his face. He does nothing to stop it, he smiles and even lets out a low chuckle at the thought of the Doctor trying to manage to control Jim’s hectic tendencies on his own. He reminisces on all of the times Jim has come out of a fight, bloody and a wide smile on his face, the Doctor hounding after him with a tricorder and a frown.

Spock knows that Jim would not follow him to New Vulcan, even if he asked. Captaining a starship is his first and best destiny, and Spock could not ask him to give that up. They belong at each other’s sides, and Jim belongs to the stars. He has a feeling that Ambassador Spock would be more pleased to see him next to Jim, on the bridge of their ship, than on New Vulcan.

He wishes to live as Ambassador Spock did, but he cannot refute what he already knows: Jim and he are destined for the stars together, and together they shall be.

“Oh my god. You’re gettin’ delirious.”

Spock believes he has never been more in his right mind than he is at this moment.

 

* * *

 

Jaylah is fucking cool.

Jim decides this as soon as they cross they cross the threshold into the _USS Franklin_ \- which Jaylah has made her fucking _house_. She’s rigged traps around the perimeter, has a holographic mask covering over the entire ship and has done some engineering magic to get the ship to function as it does. Jim, and Chekov spend some time _oohing_ and _aweing_ at some of the touchups her and Scotty have gotten done in the scant hours that they have been working.

Jim is wary, of course, the way you should be when someone strange offers to help you out of nowhere- but he can tell she has good intentions. He’s always been able to read people, and he knows whether they’re out for blood or just looking to help.

Jaylah is a bit different, though. She’s obviously more wary of them than they are of her. She’s let them into her safe space, the place she has deemed her house, and she still seems on edge. She acts like it could all be taken away from her at a moment’s notice. As if _they_ \- who are stranded and have no clue how to get back to Yorktown- are just going to betray her. Jim can understand that- people are cruel sometimes. Jim suspects there’s a definite background story to all of this.

Jim is currently fawning over the holographic projectors. They’re absolutely magnificent and he theorizes that this technology is what the Klingons and Romulans use in their cloaking devices for their ships. Jaylah even opened up the inside of one and let him look at the wiring. It’s then that Chekov comes bounding out of the ship, looking like he was just handed a golden ticket. “Captain! I intercepted a weak communication transmission, sir! It’s a Starfleet frequency!” He explains and Jim lets out a relieved breath that he’s been holding since they crashed.

Jaylah fixes her projectors to mask over the ship again and they all head inside to crowd around the quaint communication’s station on the bridge. Chekov bounces over and sits down, explaining how he picked it up and when, saying that it was recent and still active.

“Can you trace the communicator identification number?” Jim asks, and Chekov lets out a small hum and navigates the ancient terminal in front of him.

Chekov bites at his lower lip as he inputs figures, “It seems as though…” He says and his eyebrows furrow as he reads the screen. “The communicator is registered as #SF9186553.” Chekov states.

Jim lets out a huff of air as he grins, shaking his head in slight disbelief and he is oh so, so relieved. They all turn to look at him, confused as to Jim’s reaction to the number. He looks at them and he smiles before schooling his face to look semi-professional. “It’s Spock. That’s Spock’s work communicator.” Jim doesn’t explain how he knows the number because Spock knows the number. Everyone knows they’re bonded, hell, they even held a reception turned rave on the Enterprise so the crew could celebrate.

Scotty gives him a small smile and Jim is all types of thankful for his wonderful crew. Jim has to get a grip onto himself though, he has to lead them through this, not get worked up at the mention of his husband- that’s unprofessional. “Can you lock onto the signal?” He asks, more than dead serious, leaning down onto the terminal.

“Hmm. Yes. But how do we get to them?” Chekov asks and looks up at him. Before Jim can formulate a reply Scotty is raising his hand with the answer.

“I have an idea, sir.” He states and Jim gives him an expectant look. Scotty’s face scrunches a bit, “But I’m gonna need your permission.” He states and Jim frowns.

“Why would you need my permission?” He asks, curious as to the answer.

Scotty winces, “Because, if I mess it up, I don’t want it to be just my fault.”

Typical.

 

* * *

 

 

They picked up two lifeforms at the origination of the signal. Jim is thankful that they managed to at least get 2 more crew members. He can’t help but worry, that’s only two more out of around 400. He tells himself he can’t blame himself for any loss they have suffered. The game isn’t over and he still has time to locate more of the crew.

Scotty is using the transporter to pick them up, he had to spend some time to tweak it and make sure that it wouldn’t scatter their atoms across Altamid rather than bring them here onto the ship.

They lock on to the distinctly Vulcan life sign readings and Jim swallows hard. Scotty gives him a look, asking, requesting permission to do a slightly risky thing that has low chances of getting Spock killed, but chances nonetheless. He wishes he could hear Spock state the odds and percentages in his mind, but he can only feel the thrum of a too fast heartbeat. He nods to Scotty and watches the transporter pad with enraptured eyes. He can hear the clicks of the terminal as Scotty locks on to Spock’s signal. “Energizing.” He mumbles as he keys in the sequence.

The swirl of light on the transporter pad almost brings Jim to his knees. Spock stands before them, his face so adorably confused as he looks around and locks eyes with Jim. His shirt is bloody- green, Jim notes- and he looks worse for wear. “Spock.” He breathes out and rushes over to him, he reaches out and wraps a hand around the side of his neck and his arm. “Come on.” He says and leads Spock off of the transporter pad and past the divider. “Who was with you?” He asks in a rush, looking Spock over in question. “Are you hurt?”

Spock is gripping onto him so tightly he could bruise from it, a hand on his chest and a firm grip on his waist. “Doctor McCoy was with me. I am fine, Jim. _Jim_.” Spock breathes out and Jim nods fervently. The bond is singing between them at their contact points, a heavenly chorus of rightness. Jim is glad he blacked out for a moment while the bond was fired open, he can’t imagine how it must have felt on Spock’s side. But it feels strong now, it feels powerful, even though they can’t reach out to each other just yet.

“I know, I know.” He whispers and presses his forehead to Spock’s. He can hear the transporter firing up again and Scotty speaking as Bones is safely aboard. Jim feels like the luckiest bastard in the world. His best friend and his bondmate are alive.

“I thought it was best to beam you back one at a time in case you got- spliced.”

Bones, huffs and Jim sees a smile on his face, relieved to be here. “Couldn’t imagine a worse scenario.” He says and Jim gives him a grin.

“Good to have you back. You alright?” Jim asks, although it’s obvious Bones is just… Bones. It’s comforting as always.

Bones dismisses it with his hand. “Yeah, I’m fine.” He looks at Spock, “He’s hurt.”

Spock looks towards Jim, “I am functioning adequately, Captain.” Spock says and Jim knows it’s a lie as soon as it comes out of his mouth. Bond or no bond, Jim knows his Vulcan like the back of his hand.

Bones only confirms this, “In a pig’s eye you are!” He states, but Spock doesn’t bother to comment on it.

“Captain, we discovered that the stolen artifact appears to have come from this plane-“ Spock’s sentence is cut off with a groan as he falters forward and Jim is immediately right there. Spock’s hurt, and it’s not good. He’s seen Spock deal with puncture wounds, burns, and anything else the universe throws at him, and if he’s stumbling and unable to keep himself stable, it’s gotten bad. Spock’s grip on his arm is almost lethal as he grunts through the pain.

Jim looks to Bones with an almost frantic look in his eye. Bones is already in Doctor McCoy mode while Jim is in concerned bondmate mode. “Are there any medical supplies on this thing?” Bones asks as he looks towards Jaylah and Scotty.

“This way.” Jaylah says and they take off after her. Bones looks at Jim and gives him directions. “Go take him to lie down and I’ll see what we’re working with. I did what I could while we were stranded, but it’s not going to be enough.” He explains and follows after them. Jim wraps an arm around his bondmate’s waist, careful of the wound in his side. So, so close to his heart, Jim thinks.

He gets Spock into the mess hall where they had been coordinating everything before. He helps him lay down onto the couch, being careful not to jar his wound with any sudden movements for awkward angles. “There we go.” He says and crouches down next to Spock. “I’m so sorry.” Jim breathes out and Spock shakes his head. “I’m sorry.” Jim repeats as he presses his face into Spock’s shoulder, their fingers intertwining and searching each other out. Bones, Jaylah, Scotty and Chekov enter the room and Bones starts to go through the medical supplies with a quick eye and practiced focus. Jim picks his head up, “You’ll be okay, _ashal-veh._ And then we- How are we gonna get out of this one, Spock? We got no ship. No crew. Not the best odds.” He says, quietly.

Spock looks at him, eyes searching his face and Jim feels so stupid. How could he try to close Spock out of his life? How could he think it was smart to not let Spock in on how his emotions had gone rampant? When Spock speaks it is rushed and he sounds pained. “We will do what we always have done, Jim, we will find hope- hope in the impossible.” He points out.

Jim gives a weak chuckle, “Let’s get you patched up first, okay?” Jim starts to turn around to check on Bones, get him to hurry, because Spock is looking worse by the minute.

“Captain.” Spock says, hurried and Jim turns back with wide eyes, “You must focus your efforts into helping the crew.”

Jim gives him a smile, “Last time I checked, you were part of the crew, Mr. Spock. And I need you around to keep me in line.” He says, giving Spock’s hand a small squeeze. Spock’s eyes dart towards Bones, probably seeing if he’s any closer to fixing him. Jim turns his attention to Bones as well, to see Bones already staring at the both of them.

Bones blinks and then raises a medical instrument. “These things are from the dark ages.”

Spock makes a distressed noise and Jim turns to look at him, his heart rate ramping up at the sounds of pain coming from his bondmate. “Bones.” He says and waves him over, moving a hand to card through Spock’s hair.

“Pretty sure this is a protoplazer.” Bones comments as he fires the ancient technology up. “It should stop the internal hemorrhaging. At least that’s my hope.” He finishes with and raises Spock’s shirt up to see the wound. It looks nasty and is leaking dark green blood and Jim knows it will leave a minimal scar that not even the dermal regenerator can cover. And it’s- God- it’s so close to his heart. It where Jim places his head when him and Spock lounge in bed. Where Jim’s hand travels to when he wishes to feel the strong, fast thump of his love’s heartbeat. It’s where Jim places butterfly kisses that make Spock’s lips curl up into a smile because- low and behold Vulcans are ticklish also.

“ _The miserable have no other medicine but only hope_.” Spock quotes and Jim bites his lip against a grin. Bones looks at him incredulously.

“On death’s door and he’s quoting Shakespeare.” Bones chides before turning back to working on Spock’s injury.

Jim taps two fingers across Spock’s temple before standing. He turns to face Scotty, Chekov and Jaylah. “Alright. Let’s get something done around here and let the Doctor work his magic.” He says with a small clap of his hands.

The fact that Spock- his beautiful, wonderful, Spock- can still harbor hope, can still quote millennia’s old writing, is why Jim can find the strength to keep going. Why he should have never doubted Spock’s ability to make him feel like he could rule the Universe. Spock’s ability to make him feel like he belongs.

He glances back towards his bondmate, and knows Bones will take care of him. It’s up to Jim to take care of the rest of the crew, and he’s not planning on letting them down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did it! I finished school! I'm a senior in highschool now! Fuck yeah! (A terrified scream of anxiety wails in the background as I get emailed by colleges.) Anyway's here's the chapter, but I wanted to speak about a few things in it before we go.
> 
> A lot of the scene's in this chapter are revised heavily. I feel that Jim and Spock's interactions would be totally different (but not too much) than in the movie because they're bonded. So if you wonder why I changed the script around so much- it's sort of a 'duh' question. Also it was damn hard to figure out a way to make Spock smile. But I had to keep that part, his smile makes my insides melt into goo.
> 
> Because this fic is primarily Spirk. I didn't feel the need to write so many scenes that wasn't directly relevant to the Spirkian plotline. I figure that if you're reading this- you've probably watched Beyond already and know the down low of the plot. You don't need every detail pointed out to you. So if you're upset that I left out a scene- I am so sorry! But it is shitty to copy word for word of every scene and takes sooo long, so I hope you forgive me.
> 
> I think, personally, that Jim was a bit harsh towards Jaylah in the movie. I think they would really be able to connect on a lot of levels. They both have a love of engineering and technology, they're both freakishly smart and innovative. And well... obviously Jaylah is doing what it takes to survive and has seen thousands of people be slaughtered by Krall and... we know Jimmy has seen some of that shit for sure. So I feel like they would be buddies, and movie!Jim just sort of ignored her and got sassy when she got upset over raiding Krall's base and tried to ignore her feelings but... I don't think Jim would do that?? Especially in a situation so similar to things he's lived through himself?
> 
> I also think that they figured out it was Spock and Bones that had the Starfleet frequency and that is why Scotty asks permission to transport them in the movie, because he didn't want it to be his fault if one of them... got spliced. Lol. Anyways, just my theory. 
> 
> Thank you for the read! I love you all! It's summertime for me, so expect updates more frequently than the shit rate I've been at! Yay! See you next time!


	7. A Lesson in Vulcan Mineralogy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Awkward Vokaya Scene

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the one chapter that inspired me to write this entire story, whoo!

“Jim.”

“Hm.”

“He’s going to wake up soon if you want to go see him.” Bones says quietly, and at that Jim immediately turns to look at him. He and Jaylah were tinkering on a few of the broken down parts of the bridge that needed to be revamped. Jim pulls himself out from under the bridge console and sits up. He looks up at Bones with a worried look and Bones rolls his eyes. “He’s going to be fine, Jim. If he keeps everything to a minimum, then he’ll be fine. Once we get back to Yorktown I’ll go back in and make sure he’s put back together correctly for you.” Bones jokes, “But for now, he’ll survive.” Jim nods, breathing a sigh of relief as Bones clasps him on the shoulder. “I also know as soon as he wakes up he’ll come looking for you, so you better beat him to it.” He states and Jim smiles, a small quirk of his lips.

“Yeah, I’m going.” Bones extends a hand out to him and Jim takes it and lets Bones pull him up from the floor. Jim swipes at the dust on him and gives Bones a look. “Thanks.” He says, although he doesn’t mean for helping him up.

Bones scuffs him over the back of the head, fondly, “Anytime, Jim.” He says and Jim beams at him before briskly walking off to the room where Bones patched Spock up. He takes a couple of deep breaths and thinks about all of the things he could say to Spock while they have some time alone. It wasn’t exactly an ideal place but until Scotty and Jaylah could work some magic they would be stuck here for a while.

He walks through the doorway and sees Spock still laying prone on the couch. His science blue shirt is completely off now and Jim suspects Bones probably cut it off in annoyance so he could see the wound better. Not to mention the copious amounts of blood there was on it. Spock is still as beautiful as Jim always thinks he is, but Jim can see where he had a gash in his side. It was healed up, but not the usually unblemished work that McCoy does on the _Enterprise_. It was a faint green where the skin was stuck back together and looked slightly inflamed and painful. Jim knows that Bones has done all he can with the tools he had, but it still makes Jim ache. It will definitely leave a scar that the dermal can’t cover and he knows that Spock doesn’t care about scars, doesn’t care about blemishes on his body that he could not control. But Jim feels like it’s all his fault. He shakes his head.

Spock looks like he’s asleep, but to the trained eye (namely Jim’s) you could see he was just relaxing in a low level meditative state. Jim leans back against the door and gazes over him, before smirking. “I know you’re awake, _t’hy’la._ ” He speaks and Spock’s eyes flutter open and he turns to gaze at Jim, arching a delicately sculpted eyebrow. “Did you forget that I sleep in the same bed as you? I know what you look like when you’re out.” Jim teases and walks over to Spock.

He walks over to Spock and sits down on the couch near his head. He brings his fingers to the slightly sweaty bangs on Spock’s forehead. Spock looks up at him with those large, brown eyes that Jim loves, “I apologize. I was engaged in the assessment of my mental faculties.” He speaks, his voice slightly rough, the way it always gets when he comes out of a healing trance.

Jim looks down at his own lap for a millisecond. “How’s our bond?” He asks quietly. He looks back at Spock who is just watching him with the same fascinated look he always gives him.

“As far as I can tell it is still in perfect condition.” Spock says and Jim’s eyebrows furrow in confusion.

“Why can’t I hear you then? Why can’t I feel anything other than the bond itself? Have- Have I ruined this for us? What if- What if it’s like this forever?” Jim questions and Spock just continues to look at him. “Spock-“

“Jim. When we return we will travel to New Vulcan and have a healer inspect the bond. The bond will be repaired to its original state. You have not done anything wrong, Jim. I should have taken more time to inform you about the wellbeing of the bond and how it could affect us. I also should have been more active in assisting you with your mental wellbeing. _If_ the bond remained as complacent as it is, it would not change anything. I would still love you as I always have and we would be as we always were. Together.” Spock says and Jim nods, his eyes squeezed shut.

A hand reaches out and cups the side of his cheek and he turns his gaze back onto Spock. “I’m sorry.” Jim whispers and Spock shakes his head. “I’m still sorry.” He repeats, “I got so scared- when we first landed- I couldn’t feel you and I didn’t- I knew you weren’t dead because- I just knew. But I was scared I wouldn’t be able to find you.” He reaches up and places his hand on top of Spock’s. “We’re going to get out of this.” Jim speaks quietly and Spock nods. Jim leans down and presses a kiss to Spock’s forehead.

“Of course.” Spock says and Jim smiles against Spock’s forehead with a small chuckle.

“Of course.” Jim repeats back to him. He sits up and tries to straighten Spock’s bangs with his fingers. “Let’s get you dressed in something not covered in blood, huh?” Jim suggests and Jim can tell Spock has to resist rolling his eyes.

They’ll get out of this.

 

* * *

 

 

They’ve gathered in the bridge of the _Franklin_ after they’ve taken stock of everything that could become useful in the near future. Scotty and Jaylah went over the intricacies of the ship over 3 times now and they’ve gotten just about all they could salvage from the lower decks. Pavel has been trying to fix up communications and sensor arrays to see if they could get any more power to them. It works, mostly. Bones had been in the medbay, taking stock of all of the supplies. When Jim briefly went to see him he heard him complaining about the ancient technology from a deck away.

Jim got a hold of an extra uniform and got Spock into it without hurting his side (too much) although there was wincing, Spock would deny it later. Jim then forced Spock to sit and “assist” him while he helped Pavel on the bridge and relayed with Scotty about engineering. The ship couldn’t go to warp, but it was enough to keep them safe for the time being. They had rations – albeit unpleasant ones – and enough power to keep them going until they could find a way off the God forsaken planet.

Jim had then decided they had wasted enough time trying to reinforce the ship’s abilities and needed to find out a way to get the rest of the crew together. Jim knew it was likely some of the Kelvin pods probably hadn’t survived long enough to get caught by the alien swarm. He knew they probably lost people in the attack and now down on the planet, but he would save everyone he could while they had time. While he and Spock waited on the bridge for everyone to show up he mentally categorized every valid option he could make as a Captain. If he truly believed that no one else had survived, he could just order that they find a way off the planet and say ‘fuck it’ but he could never do that.

They had people here, they had family here, and he wasn’t going to leave them behind if it was the last thing he’d ever do. For a brief moment he understood his father’s actions on the day of his birth. He understood that loyalty, the feeling of knowing you would die to save everyone else, knowing it would be worth it, too. He bit his lip and shook the thought away. Spock was eyeing him as though _he_ was the one that was injured and needed to be watch over. Jim wished it was like all of those times on his sliver lady’s bridge where Spock would give him a critical eye and Jim would send a ripple of amusement across the bond. Watching Spock’s face as he tried to stay impassive against a smile was the best sort of entertainment.

Jim huffs slightly and leans against the Captain’s chair. They couldn’t warp, it would take too long to walk to Krall’s base, and their communications were shit. They didn’t have many options, but he knew they would have to take a chance, they needed to act fast, too. The more time they wasted, the more lives could be lost.

As everyone trickled into the bridge Jim made sure that everyone was feeling okay. Of course no one was at their peak, but he didn’t want any of them to be too exhausted to beat up to think clearly. Scotty immediately started to throw out ideas about the crew. Everyone shared their input on the situation, and Jaylah remained eerily quiet, he noted.

Scotty suggests that they needed to work on fixing up the ship until she could at least get impulse before they try to make a rescue. Jim shakes his head at the idea and frowns, but Scotty adds that they aren’t even sure of how guarded or how well placed Krall’s base might be. Jim shakes his head once more and gives Scotty a look, “No, we have to get the crew back, now.” He states in finality. They couldn’t afford to waste any more time with this. “Chekov has the coordinates that can lead us to Krall’s base, so we go.” Jim says and looks around at his colleagues.

Scotty nods but continues on with a counterpoint, “With respect, sir, but how do we know that Krall was at the base when she called them?” He questions and Jim listens to the rebuttal, even though he wants to make it a direct order that they find the crew. “And even if he was, we do not know if the crew was with him.” Damn, Scotty makes a good point, Jim thinks ruefully.

Bones stops his – it stopped being frantic and has now slowed to distressed – pacing and adds, “Or even if they’re still alive?”

Jim frowns at him and Bones shrugs.

Jim takes in a deep breath and is about to commandeer an official order but Spock speaks up first. “Mr. Chekov, can you reconfigure the search parameters in order to compensate for this formula?” He asks and Jim looks up to see Spock inputting a series of algorithms into the sensor panels. Chekov joins him and looks over the equation.

“Aye, Commander, but what is this formula?” He asks. Jim could see earlier that Spock’s brain was working Vulcan speed to find a solution to this situation. Jim usually could feel the strong vibration of Spock’s though process along the bond, but he didn’t need it to know when Spock was being a genius.

Spock’s eyes glance up towards Jim’s and Jim raises an eyebrow in suspicion. Spock turns to look at Pavel and answers his query, “It is Vokaya, Mr. Chekov.” He states and Jim’s eyebrows furrow as he stands up straight at the mention. “A mineral unique to Vulcan which emits low-level radiation.” Spock states and Jim takes a few steps forward as he registers just what Spock has said.

“Then I have to filter out all other energy emissions.” Chekov adds and turns towards the array at the back of the bridge panel.

Bones speaks up in an incredulous voice, as if he thinks Spock has gone absolutely nuts. “Spock, what the hell would a Vulcan mineral be doing way out here?” He asks and Jim breaks into a huge fucking grin.

“Holy shit. Uhura has my necklace.” Jim reaches towards his chest and feels a pang of loss at not feeling the small pendant.

Spock nods, a small quirk showing on his lips, “Correct. As a symbol of our commitment I presented Jim with half of a Vokaya amulet after our bonding. Before Krall attacked the _Enterprise_ Jim had given his necklace to Lieutenant Uhura because it was in need of repair. Nyota reported to the bridge minutes after she received the necklace and therefore would not have had time to remove it from her person before the attack had begun.” Spock states and Jim is blown away by how fucking _genius_ his bondmate is.

Bones blanks for a second and says, “You gave Jim radioactive jewelry?” He asks and everyone looks at Spock expectantly, even Jim.

“It is harmless, Doctor.” Spock states and, yeah, Jim figured. “But it’s unique signature makes it very easy to identify.”

Bones cracks a small smile, “You gave Jim a tracking device.” He says, as if it’s a fact and everyone turns to look at Spock once more.

Spock opens his mouth and shuts it again before refuting, “That was not my intention.”

“I think it’s kinda sweet.” Jim says and shrugs, glancing around the room sheepishly. Everyone gives him a look that says: You _would_ think it’s cute, you weirdo. Jim throws his hands up, “Hey- shit happens. I get lost a lot, we should have been using this sooner.” Jim says defensively and no one in the room can seem to disagree with that. Jaylah looks slightly mortified by this entire ordeal.

The sensor array’s screen starts to focus in on the two traces of Vokaya that are on the entire planet. Chekov turns and furrows his eyebrows, “What is this second emission? It says there is Vokaya traces at our location.” He questions and looks towards Spock.

Spock nods and brings a hand up to briefly touch where his pendant rests. “Yes. As I stated previously, I gave Jim half of the amulet. I wear the other half in turn.” He says and shoots another glance over at Jim, who is still mooning over how ridiculously brilliant the love of his life is.

Chekov punches a few more things into the computer and the screen immediately ignores the closest trace of Vokaya and moves to the second location.

“I have narrowed the search and I am picking up a trace amount of Vokaya on the planet’s surface.” Chekov states proudly and turns towards everyone. Jim moves from his spot to maneuver towards the screen, looking at the coordinates.

“Did the location match the coordinates you acquired from Kalara, Mr. Chekov?” Spock asks.

“It is a match, sir.”

Jim shakes his head, a smile on his face and nods, “Great. Then let’s get rocking. Scotty- check our beaming capabilities and we infiltrate the base and-“

“No!” Jaylah objects. It’s the first time she’s spoken since they all came together to make a game plan. “You can’t go in there.” She states, and Jim notices how her voice trembles. “No one can go in there. Everyone who goes there, he kills.” She says and Jim frowns.

“You’ve been there? You’ve seen it?” Jim asks, slightly concerned. Jaylah faces away from them, her face haunted, her eyes cold. Jim’s seen that look before, on his own face, almost 2 decades ago.

Scotty walks over to her and frowns, “Why didn’t you say something, lassie?” He asks, delicately.

Jaylah turns away from him when he gets close and walks to the far side of the room. “Because I know you’ll ask me to take you there.” She spits out, “If your friends are there, then they will die, just like my family.” She says, “And I will _not_ go back to the death place.” She says and as Scotty is about to speak up Jim shakes his head.

“That’s fine.” He says and everyone looks at him, because he just gave away their chance at being able to have a clean getaway. “That’s fine. We won’t make you go back.” Jim says gently, “But it would sure help us a lot if you did.”

“No.” She turns to Scotty, “This is not the deal we made, Montgomery Scotty.” She shakes her head vehemently, “If you choose to do this, you’re on your own.” She turns and leaves the bridge at a brisk walk. Soctty jogs out after her and Jim shakes his head.

He glances around the bridge, which is eerily silent. Spock gives him a look, and he must know what he’s thinking. Jim nods to the crew and walks off to follow in the direction that Scotty and Jaylah took off to. When he finds them Jaylah is tinkering angrily and Scotty is giving small, soft commentary to try and calm her anger.

Scotty looks up at Jim as he enters, “Hey.” Jim says quietly, “Can I talk to Jaylah for a minute?” He asks and Scotty nods and pats his shoulder on the way out. Jim makes sure that he’s far enough down the hallway before he asks. “How old were you?” He leans against the doorway and watches as Jaylah pauses in her work.

“We do not count age the way you do. If I am not wrong, I was 8 of your ‘years’ old.” She says and continues on with her tinkering. Jim nods and moves to go sit on a small stoop near her work bench.

“It’s happened to me, too. I saw- I saw the look in your eyes and knew you must have seen…” He trails off. “He slaughters all of them, doesn’t he?” He asks and looks up at her. Jaylah turns to him and her face alone is enough to confirm his fears. He sighs, and takes a minute to compose himself. “I’ve seen that happen before. I had to watch person after person get killed for no reason.  I was only 13. And then well- after that I had managed to escape like you did… had a few other kids with me. It wasn’t-“ He starts and then chuckles a bit, “I wish we had had a starship to salvage when we got away.” He jokes and looks up at her. Jaylah seems shocked into silence.

“You don’t have to take us in there.” He states, “But- if you could- I would make sure you got out again. You’re a part of the crew now, and I don’t leave anyone behind.” He states, “These people are the only family I have and I’m going to do my best to save them or die trying. And when we get out of this, you’ll be part of the family, too.” He says and stands up, giving her a small smile.

She looks down at the wrench she’s holding and turns away from him. Jim can’t help but feel a flicker of disappointment. He turns and makes his way towards the door, accepting his defeat and conceding to flying blind into Krall’s base. He makes it one step past before Jaylah speaks up.

“I’ll do it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and Comments are always well loved. Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Also: I just made a tumblr for all of my star trek stuff so if you wanna go catch that hmu at needles-and-ink.


	8. That New Car Smell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Septemberween

Jim specifically wasn’t thinking about how many crew members the _Enterprise_ had probably lost. He specifically didn’t think about the crew that probably never even made it to the surface, or the crew that had most likely been killed while on the surface with Krall. Leaving people behind was a touchy subject for Jim, and he didn’t like the thought of it. While he was tweaking and fixing the motorcycle to make sure it worked, he thought about how many letters he was going to have to write to the families of the crew they lost. He hoped and prayed to whatever deity that he wouldn’t have to write too many.

Loss was inevitable, especially in a job like Starfleet. Even more so when serving on a starship whose job was to explore the unknown. You never knew what you would run into, what could kill you or your friends. It could be anything from a small daily mishap, or a monster alien that wants to suck your blood, or a disease that has just been uncovered.

Jim has kind of realized that Bones might have had a point about the dangers of space. But he’d never let him know that he ever, it would only make Bones gloat for weeks.

All was going according to plan so far. They had beamed aboard group after group of crewmembers and Jim saw familiar faces among the crowd. He was getting an inordinate amount of delight with riding this motorcycle, even as he was being shot at by several different aliens It was exhilarating and fun, and everything was going as well as could be expected. Not to mention that he hadn’t ridden a bike in a few years.

He saw that the latest and last group of crew members was under a heavy amount of fire, he took action with the motorcycle. He gives them a barrier surrounding the makeshift transporter pad to block the brunt of the phaser fire. He gives a sigh of relief and a small smirk as he mentally gives himself a pat on the back. He stops the bike to watch them dematerialize when Scotty comms him.

“We’re ready for you next, Captain, just turn on your beacon!” Scotty tells him.

Jim automatically switches back into protective Captain mode and makes sure that his crew is all accounted for. “Scotty do you have everybody?” He asks urgently.

He can practically hear Scotty nod through the comm, “Aye sir, everyone except you and Jaylah.” He states, “Hit the beacon and we’ll grab ya.” He informs Jim, but Jim pauses, curious as to why Jaylah hasn’t already alerted her beacon to be beamed back aboard her house. Before he has time to respond, his eyes capture the sight of Jaylah’s beacon falling to the ground in front of him. He can hear Scotty telling him to turn his beacon on, but Jim watches as Jaylah and Manas stand defensively near each other, ready for a fight.

He grabs her attention by revving the motorcycle a few times, and catches her eye as she looks over her shoulder. He takes off on the motorcycle determined to get close enough for her to be in his beacon’s signal. He glances as she grapples with Manas before hitting his beacon’s activator. He realizes that Scotty and Pavel acted a bit too quickly and that he was already starting the transportation process. He looks up towards where she stands, “Jaylah, now!” He yells and steers the motorcycle up the barrier he had created earlier. He just manages to catch Jaylah’s hand before they both hit the ground of the transportation pad of the _Franklin._ They’re both grunting and groaning, sucking in gulps of air to try and get the oxygen back in their lungs. Jim huffs and glances at Jaylah, “Let’s never do that again.”

Jaylah gives a curt nod. “I agree, James T.” She says and he rips off his goggles and tries once more to catch his breath. He pushes himself up into an- albeit shaky- standing position when Uhura and Sulu run into the transporter room. Sulu gives him an arm to steady himself with, and he gives a grateful glance In his direction.

Uhura launches into a breathless stream of words, “Captain- this _thing_ he has-“ She starts up but Sulu interrupts, a worried expression on his face.

“Yorktown.” He says, frankly, “He’s going to destroy Yorktown.”  A flood of emotions are on Hikaru’s face and Jim’s mind instantly jumps to the beautiful little girl and adoring husband that moved off of Earth to be closer to Sulu, to have more chances of seeing him. Jim’s heartrate picks up at the thought. He’s had years upon years to get used to the fact that his own husband is almost always in immediate danger. It’s part of what they do, it’s who they are. But Ben, never mind little Demora, has never done anything that warrants this level of danger.

Jim’s brain wracks for an answer to this scenario, because, obviously something has to work. His brain is still working on a resolution when Jaylah speaks her mind. “You take my house.” She says, finality in her voice, “And you make it fly.”

Jim’s lip curls up into a tiny smirk, and he knows they’re going to get through this one on sheer willpower and stubbornness alone. “Scotty, can you get this thing to start?” He questions as he steps off the transporter pad.

Scotty rambles in reply, “What- Started, yes. Flying that’s a different thing.” He takes off, on a mission to head to the bridge. “These old vessels were built in space they were never meant to take off from atmosphere.” He rattles off and Jim only has one reply.

“Make it happen.”

The short walk from the transporter room to the bridge is almost reminiscent of the way things on the _Enterprise_ took place on the almost daily. Although the walk is shorter, and _way_ darker than their ship its familiar in the way in which Jim knows his crew is following behind him, Scotty rambling about physics and what should and shouldn’t be possible in reality. He can hear the rest of his senior staff speaking quietly. The only difference is that he can’t feel the warm, satisfied, glittering bond in his mind.

_Soon,_ he thinks, but it saddens him that there won’t be an answering reply.

By the time they reach the threshold of the bridge, Scotty is off on another tangent. “They’re called _starships_ for a reason, Captain.” He says and Jim scoffs.

“Oh, so you tell me this now?” He asks as he strips his gloves off of his hands.

Scotty makes a sounds in the back of his throat, “I- uh- I didn’t want to disappoint you in case you, you know, didn’t make it back.” He explains with a shrug.

“How thought of you, Mr. Scott.” Jim grimaces.

“Captain.” Spock’s voice pulls him out of his conversation with Scotty, he glances back at his bondmate. Spock gives a nod towards the viewscreen and Jim’s eye widen at the sight.

Krall’s fleet of one-man ships is taking off from its hive. Jaylah aptly named them when she declared them as bees. They look like a swarm, as if they could just be bugs in the air in front of them. It reminds him of the flocks of birds he’d watch in Iowa as a kid, how they all seemed to move at the same time and how there were always hundreds of them flying together in sync. “He’s launching.” Jim breathes out in astonishment.

If Krall is on the move that means that Yorktown is in imminent danger, and they need to get the hell off of this planet as fast as they can. Yorktown doesn’t have many defenses, and there are no other fleet ships docked there, as the _Enterprise_ was the first to have a docking date actually set.

He can feel Spock’s gaze not on the ships but on the back of his head, he doesn’t need a bond to know that. He knows Spock, bond or not, can tell his movements and his thoughts without the help of the link. “The attack on Yorktown may be just the beginning.” He says, factual as always. “Armed with this bioweapon, he could rid all life and use the base’s advanced technology to attack an untold number of federation planets.” He informs them. Most of them had some kind of clue in to that already, but Spock saying means that they have to take action immediately or regret the consequences.

Jim glances back at Spock, making a reassuring connection between their eyes before surveying the piloting helm in front of him. “We’re just going to have to get this thing flying.” He says and his words send Scotty into turmoil.

“Ach! We can’t just jump start it, sir!” He exclaims and Jim gives him a look as if to say, _oh but can’t we?_

 

* * *

 

 

“Okay. All systems online. Dilithium chambers at 70% and climbing….” Pavel rattles off the maintenance protocols to get the ship in the air. Jim takes his seat and checks them off on his mental list of _shit that needs to be done so they don’t die._

As soon as Chekov’s rambling stops and he’s strapped in, he looks at Hikaru. “Mr.Sulu.” He says, grabbing Hikaru’s attention. “You can… y’know… fly this thing, right?” He asks, his face a mixture of concern and hope.

Sulu’s responding glare is all the answer he needs to feel secure in their plan. “You kidding me, sir?” He asks, rhetorically, as if Jim is a total idiot.

“Fantastic.” He mutters, shooting Hikaru a grin before clicking the comm link on the Captain’s chair. “Scotty, how we lookin’?” He asks, seeking confirmation that they can get with this insane idea.

“Ready as she’ll ever be, sir.” He hears though the comm, and he lets out a breath.

“That’s what I like to hear, alright.” He says and clicks over to the commlink to his CMO. “Bones, where are you with the crew?” He inquires and hears Bones gruff answer.

“I could use a functioning medbay.” He complains, “But otherwise, we’re secure down here.” He answers and it gives Jim a little piece to know that Bones gives everyone the okay.

Now that he knows his crew is ready and prepared, all that’s left to do is take off. He hears Pavel and Hikaru talking to each other at their stations, he can hear the frightened anticipation in Chekov’s voice as he speaks. He doesn’t have time to think about that, it’s time for them to take off.

It’s a last ditch effort to make this rust bucket fly, pushing themselves off the edge of a fucking cliff of all things to get enough velocity to become airborn. He has faith in his crew, has faith in everyone’s calculations that this will work. Spock never gave his doubts about it, which is a comfort and a worry at the same time. He reaches out towards the bond in his mind, wishing it gave him some sort of reassurance. The thin golden thread of what used to be a mind-blowing connection between them makes his heart ache, and he just wants to go and get it fixed. Which means getting the hell off the planet and saving the Yorktown.

New Vulcan over the last 3 years has begun to have some semblance of _home_ to him. Hell, he and Spock have their own _house_ there for Christ’s sake. They had stayed at Sarek’s household for a long time over shoreleaves before deciding to invest in a place of their own. Jim _liked_ New Vulcan. Of course Spock had grown accustomed to it, but Jim could tell that in some way, New Vulcan was their home, where Spock was most comfortable. They had an apartment in San Francisco as well, or well- technically it was Spock’s apartment, but they were _married_ , so it was _theirs_. They never really used it other than when they were docked at Earth for whatever reason.

Jim longs for a lengthy shoreleave where they could lounge at home for a while. His mind races as to what would become of them all now that the _Enterprise_ was destroyed. He doesn’t linger on their futures, he had to focus on the now. He clears his throat, “Call it, Mr. Sulu.” He commands and Sulu takes charge of their departure.

“Aye, aye, Captain.” Sulu confirms, “Mr. Chekov, be ready to hit the forward stabilizers full on my mark. One quarter impulse.” He instructs and Chekov nods.

“Aye.” He replies, looking down at his console.

They were starting to push away from the rock formation. The ship was rumbling and shaking. Old ships like these didn’t have the stabilization that beauties like the _Enterprise_ had. Never mind having gravitational sensors. Jim’s silver lady could have you standing up straight even if she turned over in orbit, but the _Franklin_ tossed you around like a ragdoll.

As they emerge from the mountain they were caked in, Sulu raises his voice to give orders. “One half impulse, Mr. Chekov.”

Chekov’s response was concerned but steady, “Aye.” He said as he increased their thrust forward.

The shakiness of the added quarter impulse made the walls vibrate. It had been probably a century since the ship had even been in the air. He could feel the metal rattle with the force of it. At a particularly unsteady push forward Jim spoke up, “Easy, Mr. Sulu, let’s try not to break her in half.” He says.

There was a final surge of energy as they broke free of the rock.

And then as he had done so many times before.

They fell.

 

* * *

 

 

Breaking atmosphere was like breaking free of every bad moment they have ever had. He wanted to cheer, to scream his joy, his survival. A lot of the crew did let our their appreciation to Sulu’s flying and their thankfulness for being back where they all belonged.

He looked around at the smiles of relief and joy on the bridge, and he let out a sigh of relief himself. He glanced back at Spock and gave a grin, biting at his lower lip. Spock’s eyes met his and he raised an eyebrow and a lip in question. Jim shrugged in response and winked at him. Spock lip’s twitched in the way where he tries his hardest not to grin at him. Jim gives him once last glance before turning around and helping his crew navigate back out of that damn asteroid field.

He checks in with everyone, making sure no one was hurt during their rumbling departure. Bones says everyone is fine, and everyone that was injured has been fixed up as much as possible. Scotty says that engineering has held together and that they have more than enough power to get them back to the starbase and to hold together during the inevitable scuffle they’ll have with Krall’s ships.

They make it out of the nebula in record time. They made it in just over 11 hours, whereas on the trip _to_ Altamid it took them just over 12 hours. They had been taking their time then. Now they didn’t have any time to waste. Krall’s ships, apparently in both Chekov and Sulu’s theories would take the same amount of time to get through the nebula, being as expansive as it is. They say that navigation for the hive would be a tad bit more difficult with the debris field being this odd and tricky. A solid piece of ship would be easier to get through it than having to worry about hundreds of ships.

It makes Jim breathe a bit easier. Everyone is on weird shift rotations so that when they come out of the nebula it would be all hands on deck.

Jim hasn’t seen much of Spock in all of the time they’ve been on the way back to Yorktown. Jim saw him meditating in an empty lab room once, and didn’t want to disturb him. He needed that meditation in order to heal better and function optimally as possible, so Jim didn’t want to intrude on his personal time. Jim ended up taking short naps on one of the couches in mess hall after helping Scotty in engineering. He had woken up to a blanket draped over him and his lips had twitched into a grin.

Once they’re through the threshold the bridge lights up like a kid in a candy store. Uhura is immediately on the ready, “I’m picking up distress calls on every frequency coming from Yorktown. Krall’s already started his attack.” She states and everyone on the bridge sucks in a breath.

Jim is immediately out of his chair and shifting from foot to foot, getting his nervous energy out. “Mr. Scott what kind of weapons do we have?” He comms down to engineering.

Scotty replies back instantly, “Uh- we have pulse phase cannons and spatial torpedoes.”

Jim grimaces, because Jesus fuck that wasn’t going to help them a bit. “Great, lock and load.” He says anyways. It was better than being defenseless at least.

As Jim turns away, his mind churning, Jaylah interjects. “It does not matter, you cannot defeat the bees.”

_Not with these shitty weapons,_ Jim thinks with a frown. He paces and rubs his face with his hand, “Maybe- uh.. we lure them away. How do we uh- How we do get to Yorktown in time to get people to safety?” He questions.

Hikaru’s reply is fueled with heat, probably for several reasons, among them his husband and daughter. “We are horse and buggy compared to those things. We’re barely holding together as it is, Captain.” He spits out in a rush. Jim feels bad for him for a millisecond, but there’s not time for feeling bad, only working hard.

“Captain.” Jim’s head whips around so fast he could have broken his neck. “The flight patterns of bees are determined by individual decisions. Krall’s swarm formations are too complex not to rely on some form of unified cyberpathic coordination.” Jim’s brain can barely keep up it feels so empty. “I surmise-“

“Spock- skip to the end.” He nods, and Uhura reiterates in terms that he can understand at the moment.

She charges forward, and _damn_ , _she’s getting a starship next_ , Jim thinks. “He means if we can disorient the swarm we can kick its ass!” Jim gives a grin, looking back at Spock, who looks saddened by the crude terminology. Which only makes Jim grin more.

“Precisely.”

The link to engineering bay is still open so he speaks up, “Scotty, can you beam me onto one of those swarm ships?”

He doesn’t get the answer he’s looking for. “Have you gone completely mad?”

“Yes or no?”

“No! …Yes! …Maybe!”

Jim is already trailing towards the bridge exit, but Spock catches up with him.

“Captain, my familiarity of the interior of those ships however brief makes me more qualified for this away mission.” Formal as ever, but Jim can’t send him away because-

“Spock you’re still hurt.” Uhura adds.

“She’s right, Spock.” He says, seriously. Sending a thankful look towards Nyota for stepping in. Jim’s head is starting to ache, it’s sort of clouding his mind.

Spock looks hell bent on this though, looking between the both of them. “I acknowledge and respect your concerns.” He turns back to Jim, a special sort of glint in his eyes, “Perhaps you would feel more comfortable if I was accompanied by someone with familiarity with both the ship and my injury.”

Jim doesn’t have to think twice about his answer to that one.

 

* * *

 

  
“You want me to do _what?_ ”

There was a reason that Jim told him the plan when they were already in the transporter room. If he had told Bones before, he would have been out of there faster than light itself. Spock brushes past them, a man (Vulcan) on a mission.

“Come along, Doctor.” He says and steps up onto the transporter pad. Jim’s lip quirks up into a smile.

Bones turns around, looking mortified. “Woah- wait a minute, you green-blooded, ingrate- this was _your idea_.” He says, pointing fingers, but he’s already on the pad, so he’s obviously made his decision aviophobia or not.

Jim smiles and hands him a phaser, “It’s a good idea, Bones.”

But Bones isn’t done yet, “You know next time you get a piece of pipe stuck in your transverse- call a plumber!” He complains.

Spock looks both offended and amused by the statement and then turns back to look at Jim. “Just make sure you find a way to break those things.” Jim says and throws his a wink, backing off of the pad. Spock’s right hand comes out, extending two fingers towards him and he reaches back out with his own in return. The Vulcan kiss makes their bond give a faint pulse and Jim lets out a big breath.

“Good luck, boys.” He directs at both of them, “See you soon, baby.” He says, just for Spock’s benefit. Jim turns and starts to walk back towards the bridge.

“If it gets hairy I’ll beam you straight back!” Scotty promises.

“Energize.” Jim hears Spock say.

“You’re gonna do great!” Jim throws over his shoulder, already tuning out as he hears Bones protest.

“Dammit, Jim! I’m a doctor not a fucki-“ Jim grins as he’s cut off.

Time to get back in the chair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. It has been... a while. The past couple of months have been crazy for me, dudes. I've traveled more than my body can handle and I have been trying to get back on a schedule. It's just been wild. But I am back into the writing mood, and you can expect more of this as soon as I can write it up. It's about to get lit up in this story. Kudos? Comment? A handshake? A follow on my Tumblr? (needles-and-ink) I hope you enjoyed this one and... thanks for the read!


	9. Nice to Meld You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit goes down, dudes.

Edison’s personal logs were… disturbing.  To watch the slow decline of his mental health made Jim recoil into himself. To hear him speak about his service as he slowly goes mad, stranded on a planet that he has no knowledge of. Jim couldn’t help but be disturbed by the violent and desolate look in his eyes in his final log, telling the camera that he would get his revenge. Jim swallows hard, and can’t help but think that that could have been him, stranded and slowly deteriorating into someone unrecognizable. It scares him to know that this could be his own fate, but he also knows he’d rather kill himself than inflict this kind of damage on people, to hurt families and beings that are cared about for petty reasons.

As Jim sprints out of the ships and towards the maintenance tower, he can’t help but notice the stinging feeling of something like a migraine in the back of his head, he ignores it, in favor of a greater pursuit. If he doesn’t stop Edison… _Krall_ … then everyone on the starbase will die, everyone Jim cares about will be blasted into nothingness.

They had managed to take out Krall’s ships, which was a feat of epic proportions, and probably the most bad ass thing he can recall ever doing. Then they had barely made it to where Krall and his minions crashed into the _Franklin,_ trying to put an end to their heinous plans. They had searched the ship only to find that Krall was no longer on board, and then Uhura put together the pieces after seeing Edison’s face on video.

Edison had driven himself insane with the thought that the Federation had left them to die on Altamid, that they couldn’t have cared less. Little did Edison know there were lectures and classes being taught at the Academy about him, about his crew, and that the Federation still held the memory of the _Franklin_ close.

Jim supposes that Edison would probably be relieved and flattered that the Federation tried their best to make his travels worth it. But _Krall_ would probably spit on the idea itself and kill them all just for kicks.

Jim looks up at the air regulator at the top of one of the Starfleet buildings, and opens his comm, “Mr. Scott, why is that thing still on?” Jim shouts into his communicator above the commotion of people. He takes off through the crowd and towards the building the maintenance tower is located on top of.

“We’re working on it, sir, but as you can imagine there’s a lot of safety protocols surrounding the thing that- y’know- keeps everyone alive!” Scotty shouts back as Jim pushes past a group of Starfleet officers, to get into the building.

“Figure something out!” He says as he sprints through the building and towards the turbolift in the main hallway.

As he get into the lift and orders it to the maintenance tower, Scotty warns, “Be careful, Captain, gravity is gonna get a bit screwy the closer you get to the center.”

Jim tries to catch his breath during the turbolift ride, but ends up pacing instead. His head is still throbbing and he wants to scream to make it stop, but he has to stop Edison before everyone is obliterated. He tries to think through a gameplan, something to help ease his tension, but it doesn’t work. It’s as though his brain is physically churning, and it’s making him nauseous. He gets out of the lift on the highest floor it can take him and gets to the airlocked security door and gets through it with ease.

He pulls out his phaser before pushing open the door to the maintenance chamber. He fires on Edison before he gives it a second thought, he briefly worries that the phaser shot could cause the weapon to activate, but since he’s still alive right now, he doubts it.

“Stop!” Edison cries as he picks himself up from the blast. Jim is perturbed by the fact that an average human would have been out cold with the blast, and Edison is just slightly shaky from it. Jim thinks of the one species he has experience with that can still stand after a phaser stun. Vulcans.

Edison seems a bit more taken aback by the blast than a Vulcan would. He remembers a time when they had to stun Spock during a mission, and how it took almost 3 blasts to even make him falter.

He looks over Edison, who is hunched over and breathing short puffs of air, holding the weapon out towards Jim. His face is different than what Jim saw before, but he can see the remnants of what would have been _Krall’s_ face not Edison’s. He can see veins across his face and head that signify the damage that was done during whatever changing process he had to go through. Jim takes a deep breath before asking, “What happened to you out there?”, he pauses, “Edison.”

He watches as Edison’s face changes into a grim smile as he sounds out his own last name. “Ed-i-son.” He breathes, not moving from his position. “I have to say, Kirk. I have missed being me.” He says and Jim could almost feel sorry for this asshole if he wasn’t about to kill millions of people. Edison slowly starts to straighten, “W-We lost ourselves… but we gained a purpose!” He says vehemently. “A means to bring the galaxy back to struggle, to make humanity strong.”

Jim frowns, “I think you underestimate humanity.” He says, calmly.

Edison apparently doesn’t agree, he yells in response, “I fought for humanity! We lost millions to the Xindi and Romulan wars! And for what?” He questions, lunging unsteadily. “For the Federation to sit me in a Captain’s chair and break bread! With the enemy!” He spits out.

Jim’s breathing accelerates as Edison speaks; some of the same feelings Jim has had since he was boosted out of the Academy and straight into the hot seat of diplomatic functions, after failing to save 6 billion Vulcan lives. “We change.” Jim says, but he doesn’t think his own voice is steady. “We have to… Or else we spend the rest of our lives fighting the same battles.” And by the end of the sentence, he feels confident in what he’s said.

Which is of course when things go to shit.

Klaxons start to blare, making Jim glance up towards the core. Edison sees his opportunity and manages to smack the phaser out of Jim’s hands and make him stumble backwards. Edison climbs up the shaft to get into the main chamber, which is in zero-G.

Jim climbs up after him, and uses the last rung of the ladder to push himself forward, grabbing Edison to get him away from the panel on the wall. The grapple as they float upwards until Jim’s back hits the ceiling of the chamber and is pinned as Edison beats into him. His mind manages to think about how this probably isn’t good for the headache he’s sporting right now, as Edison delivers him blows to the head. Jim manages a few hits to Edison’s side. The gravity is just as finnicky as Scotty said as Edison kicks him over to the side and manages to stand on the ceiling and looks back down towards the panel. Jim gets up onto his feet quickly and takes a run at Edison pushing them both through the glass and out into the air.

Jim would be freaking out if he didn’t know that this would happen. Because of the intricate way that Yorktown was set up, the gravity of the entire sphere is segmented and separated into different arches, which causes the middle of the sphere to be the highway for all of the gravity propulsion activity. Jim can feel some of the glass from the structure scrape his body as he and Edison grapple to find a hold. They both manage to snag onto an air filter structure and find their gravity. Jim pulls himself up onto the ledge, managing to kneel on the side of the platform. “You lost!” He shouts at Edison. “There’s no way you can make it back there.” He states, and watches as Edison tries to look for a way back. “Give up!” Jim shouts as he stands up.

Edison turns to face him, “What? Like you did?” He yells in return, his voice carrying over the sound of the air filters. “I read your ships logs! Captain James T. Kirk!” He spits outs, “At least I know what I am!” He screams and points at himself, anger written across his face. “I am a soldier!”

“You won the war! Edison! You gave us peace!” Jim retaliates.

Jim watches as Edison’s eyes drift. “Peace… is not what I was born into.” He says, his voice much lower. Before he takes off running and jumps off of the air filter. Jim watches in shock when his comm goes off, “Scotty.” He says, and Scotty reminds Jim of why he chose to throw them out of the glass chamber in the first place.

Jim takes in a breath before launching himself towards the slipstream and letting the gravity propel him after Edison. He tries to avoid the shrapnel of glass and watches as Edison grabs onto the building they were above before. Jim’s landing is not as graceful as Edison’s was, and he struggles to find a solid hold on the building while the slipstream keeps pushing him onwards.

He manages to scramble up the building and to the maintenance chamber only to see Edison throwing the weapon towards the air regulator. “No!” He yells and makes a break towards Edison, who is moving to the maintenance panels. Before he can do anything Edison has him by the neck. He can hear Scotty speaking over the comm as he manages to push Edison far enough away from him to get his own hand on Edison’s neck for leverage. Edison goes for his face, and Jim doesn’t manage to block it but gets Edison’s side open for attack and makes a quick succession of punches and Edison goes down.

Edison glares at him, glassy eyed. “You can’t stop it.” He wheezes, “You will die.”

Jim looks at him with disdain, “Better to die saving lives, than to live taking them.” He speaks. “That’s what _I_ was born into.”

Jim turns away from him, and flips open his comm as he heads for the main chamber. “Scotty!” He shouts and Scotty replies promptly.

“Captain, I think we could redirect it. There’s a sealed construction hatch that’ll let you vent the weapon into space. Now we can override the locks from up here but you will have to activate the hatch.” Scotty explains.

“I just have to hit a button.” Jim confirms as he pushes himself up into the main chamber, mindful of the intergalactic weapon on destruction that is slowly detonating itself.

“It’s not a button, sir, it’s a silver lever under a white panel.”

Jim squeezes past the disturbingly weird weapon to get to a panel. “Got it.”

“And there’s four of them.” Scotty continues. _Fucking great,_ Jim thinks. Jim opens the panel with a few twists of his wrist and a single hatch. “Once you’ve turned the hatch you have to exit the chamber immediately. If the hatch is opened when the processor cycles and you’re in it? You’re gonna get sucked into space.”

“What happens in the hatch isn’t opened?” Jim questions, rhetorically.

“You’re going to get sucked into a big fan. With the weapon. And we all die.” Scotty says frankly and Jim groans internally. He practically wincing from the ever increasing pain of his headache that just won’t quit and he’s making his way around to the panels on the walls. His comm bleeps and a distinct voice comes through.

“Dammit, Jim, you won’t make it out in time!” Bones warns. Which is sort of a useless comment, because even if Jim doesn’t make it out in time, it’s either him or all of his loved ones, and he’s already made that decision once, he’s not afraid to do it again.

He ignores Bones’s words and continues onto the fourth lever. He’ll probably regret not saying anything back when he gets sucked into space, but he has a job to do. Jim tries to open the door to the lever but it won’t budge. He pulls several times, and glances towards the weapon behind him.

He hears Jaylah’s voice over the comm, “Get out of there James Tee!” She instructs but Jim can’t do that, not now. Not ever.

“Scotty!” He yells, hoping his comm picks it up. “The last hatch won’t open!” He pulls at it more, in a futile effort. He can hear his comm buzz with someone’s response but can’t make it out. He keeps trying on the door, putting his feet against the glass and pulling with everything he’s got. It makes his vision flash and his head spin as he exerts himself. Jim hears an intake of breath behind him and kicks a foot out in anticipation. It hits Edison in the chest, bouncing him backwards into the weapon. Jim doesn’t pay much attention to him, working on the door with force as the klaxons sound again.

The hatch opens and he sees a glimpse as Edison is pushed towards the air regulator fan with the weapon. The force of the decompression pulls the door to the level open and Jim grabs fort he silver switch. He manages to catch it with a finger and pull before the suction starts to pull him out the hatch. He grabs onto the outer circle of the hatch’s exit, holding on for his life. He hears the air regulator open, and lets out a relieved breath.

That breath costs him the hold he had on the hatch’s outer structure and he can feel himself being rocketed towards the vacuum of space. He flails uselessly, and just as he thinks he’s about be sucked into the void his body collides with the metal of an alien ship. He can barely process what happens as he grapples for something to grab onto when he feels something snatch his wrist. It’s painful and he knows there will be a gnarly bruise from it. He looks up and his mind gives a small, excruciatingly painful throb as he registers his bondmate. He lets out a painful gasp around a smile as Spock pulls him towards the opened hatch of the craft.

Once Spock manages to pull Jim onto the craft fully and towards the hatch, they both fall back into the small opening clumsily, falling on their asses. Jim’s head makes impact with the side of the craft and he rues the day that he’s had. They’re both breathing heavily and Spock looks a little bit paler than normal, which reminds Jim of his injury. Jim doesn’t dwell on it for long, just grateful that they’re both alive as Bones gives a whoop of victory.

Jim is confused as his vision starts to go blurry and dark, as his eyes start to slip closed and his head makes a succession of painful, violent throbs. The only thing he can register is murmuring, “What would I do without you, Spock?” Before his world fades into unconsciousness.

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Jim!” Spock shouts as Jim’s eyes flutter to a close and he slumps against the side of the ship. Spock’s body gets a jolt of energy as he surges forward to kneel in front of Jim with concern. “Jim!” He repeats, bringing his hands up to his face, gently jostling him. Jim makes no movement or response to his actions, but Spock can feel the steady beat of his heart and the rise and fall of his chest. He’s unconscious, but perfectly okay.

“Doctor! We must land this craft immediately!” Spock barks out over his shoulder. “Jim has fallen unconscious.” He informs him and McCoy curses. The shuttle falters and stutters as the speed slows down. Spock looks over Jim’s body, trying to discern if there is a fatal injury upon him that caused him to faint, but he finds none. Jim’s body only has mild lacerations and bruises, which means that Spock’s worst fear has come to a head.

Spock feels violently ill all of a sudden, but he dampens down the urge to empty his stomach as much as he can. This is all his fault. He let this become of his T’hy’la. He let their carelessness hurt them, and Jim was paying the price. Their bond was suffering, and Spock chose not to fix the issue because he believed they had more time. The stress of the recent events must have escalated the bond’s tenuous strength.

The craft jostled and rumbled as the Doctor made an uneasy decent and landing. McCoy apologized under his breath for it, but Spock was preoccupied with keeping Jim’s body steady against the rough landing.

The craft’s hatch opens above them, and with the help of Leonard, Spock eases Jim out of the craft without injury to either of them. McCoy had obviously landed in this location for a purpose as it was close to the crash site of the _Franklin_ where a medical team had already set up and was transporting and taking care of wounded crewmen. Spock held Jim in his arms while he heard Leonard speak into a communicator.

The next moment he registered he was being transported into a medical facility. Someone shifted Jim out of his arms and he loosely reached after him, his vision slowly fading. He heard the Doctor speak about the injury he received during their crash landing on the planet. But could only make out certain words. His mind throbbed with an odd intensity and before he knew it, he was as unconscious as his beloved.

 

* * *

 

 

Spock has made preparations to return to New Vulcan.

Except this time he has no intentions of staying longer than a few weeks. It has only been a single day since they resolved the crisis with Edison. The entirety of the _Enterprise_ crew has been placed on medical leave for 2 weeks. Jim, although his physical wounds have been healed, is still unconscious. Spock, along with Dr. McCoy have decided that Spock should take Jim to New Vulcan where a healer can repair their bond and ease Jim’s mind back into consciousness.

Spock’s injury was healed completely upon his own being falling unconscious. Apparently sometime during their time in the alien craft his wound had reopened and started to bleed. He was now fully recovered, although advised to rest and ‘take it easy’, according to the Doctor that tended to the wound.

Jim was now being boarded onto a medical shuttle, followed by Doctor McCoy and Spock himself. The flight would take less than a day, and Spock was eager to return to his new home planet. Although he was more eager to see his bondmate awake and healthy again.

Spock has too many memories of a time where Jim was unconscious, and they had naught an estimate of when he would wake again. Spock knew that Jim would come into consciousness as soon as a healer saw to their bond, but it was a painful reminder nonetheless.

The shuttle ride seems to take an eternity, and when New Vulcan comes into view, Spock lets out a breath of relief, glancing back towards his bondmate. To someone who was unaware, Jim looked like he was merely sleeping, and Spock’s heart gave a painful tug in his side.

 

* * *

 

 

_Ashaya._

All he can feel is a throb, a heat like the searing of hot coals against his mind. A dizzying swirl of dark blue colors and golden shimmer, surrounded by painful fire and burning hails of ice that spear his skin.

_Ashaya… I know it is hurting you… respond, so we may fix this._

Spock voice is like a cooling balm over his fervent mind. Spock’s mind-voice is different than his speaking voice. His mind sounds more emotional, if only by a fraction. Jim supposes maybe that’s just the voice Spock prefers to use on him.

Another voice cuts through Spock’s aloe-like presence in his brain.

_Spock, he will become aware as we continue to mend the bond. It is best to continue as we have been._

Jim knows the voice, but he can’t seem to recall who it is that’s speaking. Or why they’re in his head. He’s not awake, or maybe he is, he can’t tell. He knows someone, more than one someone is performing a mind meld on him, but he can’t fathom a reason why.

 **Spock?** He tries to form in his mind, he’s pretty sure it comes across garbled and awkward.

 _T’hy’la._ There’s relief in the way Spock’s mind responds to him. He’s not sure why Spock would sound so relieved, but he’s pretty positive he won’t like the answer. _Rest, beloved. While T’Naie heals us both._

That sounds easy enough, Jim thinks before he dims out once more.

 

* * *

 

 

The next time he becomes aware of what’s going on, his eyes flutter open. The first thing that strikes him as odd is the weird difference in the air quality. The air is fresh, but less oxygen dense as Earth or the Yorktown station. It’s familiar, and reminds him of home… of Spock.

His eyes flit around a room that is also very familiar. There’s a wall that is retrofitted to be a bookcase, and is lined with PADDs, books, and small Vulcan sculptures. A meditation mat is sitting in a corner of the oversized room, lined with incense that looks freshly used. There’s a door to a bathroom, which is decorated in tasteful navy blues. He looks to the window and sees a vast harsh desert past a small garden of red and orange sand.

Uzh T’Khasi.

Jim’s lips quirk up in a smile, and they feel dry. He sits up slowly, his mind still weary from sleep. He pushes a hand through his hair and lets out a sigh. He stretches minutely, moving each part of his body with a sleepy apprehension. He reaches his hands up to rub at his eyes when something tugs at his mind. He sits up straight, his eyes blown open. The tug happens once again, familiar and warm. He can feel the freely flowing tide of emotions _relief_ and _love_ being the main two.

He reaches back across the bond with a reverent touch of awe. He raises a hand to his mouth to stop a gasp of surprise as he feels his eyes start to water. _Spock,_ he thinks, gasps, across their connection.

 _Adun._ Is the warm reply that he gets in return. Tears spill over his cheeks at the resonation of the word in his mind. Joyful, happy, wonderful, relieved tears.

He feels the bond grow in intensity, and before he knows it the door to the bedroom is _swooshing_ open and Jim gives a watery smile at Spock. Spock walks to the side of the bed, then his knees hit the side of the mattress. Jim throws himself at Spock with a small shout, wrapping his arms around him and tangling a hand through the perfectly straight black hair. Spock embraces him, both in mind and body, and Jim can’t imagine a life better than the one he’s living.

Jim pulls away enough to mash his lips against Spock’s with an urgent need. He presses hasty kisses to Spock’s lips as thoroughly as possible with a smile stretched across his mouth. Spock returns the kisses with the same steady presence he always has, his fingers wrapped tight in Jim’s sleep shirt.

In between kisses Jim finds the time to speak, “You- I- We can talk about this later, okay? But-“ He interrupts himself with his lips on Spock’s mouth. “But- just- come lay in bed with me?” Jim asks, hesitance in his voice. He is so unbelievably thankful that Spock is alright, that they’re both alright. That their bond is vibrant and glowing in their minds.

Spock nods and Jim scoots so that they can get under the covers. Jim presses his face into Spock’s chest with a grin on his face. He’s still fatigued, and he can feel the weariness growing in his body. Spock’s lips press against the crown of his head, a hand snakes up underneath his shirt, and Jim’s eyes close with contentment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well wasn't that a party? Sorry they still haven't talked out their feelings yet, but I hope you can feel the reconciliation and apology from both of them without the words. I promise they will have a giant sit down talk about their feelings and shit!! We may have almost finished with Beyond but I am not finished with this story! I have some more plot things to come, and a lot more shit to get done with this story. So... kudos and comments appreciated. It's been a long journey, and we still have longer to go, yet. Thanks as always for the read!


	10. To Boldly Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Resolution. But not conclusion. It's fluff, friends. Pure, unadulterated, mind numbing, smile inducing- fluff.

 

“I feel as though I have wronged you.” The admission is quiet and spoken in low tones. They sit in their living room, the New Vulcan moon rising behind them as seen from the large window that takes up most of the wall beside them.

Jim startles, turning to look at Spock, his eyebrows raised halfway up his forehead. “What? Wronged me?” Jim asks, sitting up on the couch to turn and face his bondmate. The confusion on his face is enough to make Spock visibly wince, let alone the confusion that flows across the open bond.

Spock nods, looking down at the mug of tea in his hands. He takes a few calming breaths, his guilt taking over him quickly than he thought it would. “Yes.” He replies quietly. “Over the past few months I could feel you growing steadily distressed and your mind was chaotic with thoughts that you would try and keep from me. I knew that your mind was more troubled than it had ever been since we bonded. Yet I did nothing.” He tells Jim, his eyes downcast. Jim opens his mouth to respond but Spock continues. “In fact, I did do something, I reacted in a way that caused negative effects on both us and our bond. I let you close off your side of the bond with informing you of the side effects it could have on us. I let myself close off in hopes that it would help you sort through your tumultuous thoughts. I did not try and help you, or try and ease some of the distress on our bond through meditation or a simple surface meld. I cause detrimental effects on your mental wellbeing and endangered us both, and for that… I apologize.” Spock says, his voice growing in volume. Spock’s eyes snap up to meet the shocked face of his bondmate, he hopes he has a determined look on his face.

Jim shakes his head and reaches over to put a cool, human hand on Spock’s wrist. “Baby, no. I-“ He huffs a little bit, groaning in frustration. Spock could feel emotions drifting between them on their bond, but he did not wish to sort through them. Jim composes himself and looks at Spock in the eyes, “I was… Or well… I guess I still am, sort of depressed. The mission was getting to me, and we weren’t doing anything important or interesting and I let it get the best of me. I just would get this… _sadness_ … like nothing was good anymore. But I was still happy?” Jim says, unsure, obviously searching for the correct words. “I mean… I have everything I could want, y’know? I have my crew, I have all of space, I’m a _Captain_ , I’m married to the person I love, but it’s like… every time I woke up, I would just feel so empty.” Jim shrugs. “I don’t know how to explain it… I just had these terrible thoughts all the time, and I didn’t want you to hear any of them. I didn’t want to have to talk about them, or do anything about them. I didn’t want to have to try and sort out your thoughts from mine, because my thoughts… didn’t feel like me.”

Jim’s lip twitches up on one side, giving Spock a melancholy sort of smile. “We both fucked up. I shouldn’t have ever closed you out. I never want to do that. I don’t want to be some married couple that never talks about how they feel anymore. Even more than that, it’s your culture, you need a bond and I want to give you what you need, because I love you.”

He is sure that Jim can see the fondness that washes over his face as it flows like warm water across their minds. “And I, you.” He says in reply. “I suggest that you see Dr. McCoy in order to make sure that your mental health is well. While a bond is many things, it cannot cure any illness of the mind.” He informs his mate, and Jim gives him a smile.

“Yeah. I’ll talk to him, don’t worry.” Jim says, “I’ve- I’ve been like this before… I should have realized sooner that I need to get some help, before it gets any worse.” Jim chastises himself for his error, and Spock reaches over to touch the side of his neck gently.

“You are not at fault for your mind’s indisposition.”

“I know.”

“I will have you know that as your bondmate I will do all I can to lessen your discomfort.”

Jim smiles, “I know.”

The captivating smile is soon replaced by a small frown. “I do have something to confess.” Jim whispers, looking a bit unsure.

Spock raises an eyebrow, running two fingers across Jim’s wrist as he does so. “That would be?” Spock inquires.

Jim winces a bit and gives a sheepish look at him, “I… I don’t want you to be upset, because… this wasn’t what I really wanted. I just… I was having a rough moment, and I didn’t know what else to do.” Jim explains and Spock freezes.

Blue eyes snap up and Jim shakes his head, “I didn’t do anything bad!” Jim rushes out, “Just something stupid…” He grumbles. He looks up at Spock and sighs, “I applied for the Vice Admiral position at Yorktown before we docked.” He raises his hands quickly, “I know! I know! But- I wasn’t thinking straight. And I thought everything would be better if I was grounded for a while. So that way no one would have to deal with me being so… _sad_. You can’t take care of people when you can hardly take care of yourself.” Jim says, rolling his eyes at himself for his insane rationale.

“So, I thought it would be better, if you finished the 5 year mission, and then- then we’d have figured it out from there, I guess.” Jim admits, his voice growing quiet towards the end.

Spock is perplexed. He had always thought that Jim would never waver from wanting to captain a starship, and yet here Jim is telling him that he thought about giving it up. It makes Spock’s heart ache in his side at his bondmate’s dismay. It makes him feel even more guilty for not fixing this all sooner, before Krall’s attack, before they fought for no reason.

“I have something to confess as well.” Spock says, hesitantly. He moves to set his mug down on the coffee table in front of them. Spock turns to look back at Jim, who’s face is showing confusion. “Before our arrival at Yorktown I had booked a shuttle to New Vulcan.” He admits, and Jim’s face only scrunches together more.

“Yeah? And?” Jim prompts and Spock’s eyes cast downward.

“I had planned to resign my commission and come to New Vulcan to help in the reestablishment effort.” Spock tells him.

Jim’s eyes go wide as he blinks away the shock, “Oh.” Jim breathes out. He looks around and shakes his head, before looking back at Spock. “Why?” He asks, his eyebrows furrowed together.

Spock takes a deep, calming, breath. “Ambassador Spock… is dead.” He is shocked by the own crudity of his words. His counterpart’s death was shattering to him, for several reasons. He had looked up to Ambassador Spock as a mentor, and a reflection of who he would come to be in time. In almost everything that mattered, the Ambassador and Spock himself were exactly the same. It was a shock all in itself to have some idea of when you yourself would die.

Spock could only imagine the pain of death. The sadness the Ambassador must have had. He was in a universe exactly as his own, yet so very different that it must have been confusing. He was surrounded by familiar and new faces, and died on a planet that he was forced to call home, when in his own universe Vulcan was well and alive.

The Ambassador could not even find solace in his death, for his bondmate would not be there to meet him. Spock remembers when the Ambassador had told him what happened to the Jim Kirk of his universe, and how their bond was not severed, but not alive.

 _T’hy’la_ bonds surpassed even death itself, and a bond could remain in tact even if one of its creators had passed on. Spock remembers the harsh _snap_ of the premature bond that had died with Jim in the decontamination chamber of the Enterprises warp core. The bond that Spock did not even realize had slowly created itself during their shakedown tour almost a year after the _Narada_ incident.

He cannot fathom what it must have been like to have an empty -but fulfilled- bond trapped in your mind, that not even death could soothe.

Jim sucks in a harsh breath, his lips parting. Spock can feel his eyes water, and although he does not curse his human heritage anymore, he wishes he could stop the tears that threaten to spill over. “Spock…” Jim gasps, “Spock, oh God.” Jim repeats, and Spock does not if he is referring to himself or his counterpart. The bond is collectively filled with grief, it tries to pulse against the unwelcome feelings. Spock shudders in a breath at the feeling and swallows hard.

Jim moves swiftly to wrap his arms around Spock, his human skin cool even in the warmth of their home. His hand tangles in Spock’s hair, and Spock will not admit to enjoying Jim’s indulgence in ruining his Vulcan appearance. Spock brings his arms to circle around his mate, his love, the person he cannot live without. He practically crushes Jim against his chest, and Jim allows him this. Allows him to be so unfailingly human, even when they were surrounded by everything Vulcan.

Spock feels his own body shake with silent sobs. He can feel wetness dripping onto his shoulder from Jim’s eyes. Jim’s hands rove soothingly across his back and through his hair. Spock wishes he could scream from how much he loves him, how thankful he is that he was given the opportunity to know love in this pure, overwhelming form.

He remembers when he was a child, and having his preliminary bond formed. He remembers T’Pring’s disdain at the thought of bonding with him. He remembers her clan, looking down upon him, but wishing to bind their family to his for status. He could remember thinking that he would never find someone who cared for him, who would love him for both his human and Vulcan qualities, who would see him through his Time and not fear him.

He has found all of this, and was able to claim _T’hy’la_ in front of the remaining Vulcan high council. They had a bond that had not been seen in several millennia, and now it was _Spock_ who was envied by his peers, instead of ridiculed. He had found himself in this shatteringly brilliant human, who had goaded him, and teased him, and smiled at him with glittering eyes, and captured his heart, mind, and soul by doing so.

“I’m so sorry.” Jim whispers quietly, his lips against Spock’s temple as he speaks. “I’m so sorry.” He repeats, his throat tight with emotion.

Spock’s fingers tighten around Jim for a brief moment. He composes himself with a few breaths, allowing whatever tears he has to freely fall without worry. He leans back to look at his bondmate, and shakes his head. “I still do not understand the human propensity to apologize for things that they cannot control.” He tells him, his voice strained.

And Jim… Jim laughs, though tears are streaming out of his eyes. His teeth flash in a smile as he huffs out laughter. His hands brace the sides of Spock’s neck, his thumbs delicate trailing over his jaw, and he laughs.

Spock manages to return the smile through his own tears.

Jim plants himself firmly in Spock’s lap, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you didn’t get to tell me sooner. “I’m sorry that you’ve had to grieve alone. I’m sorry that- because someone you were close to has passed. I’m sorry for the fact that you have to live with the knowledge of- of when you might-“ He sucks in a breath, “I’m sorry.” Jim shrugs, and his smile turns watery.

They pull each other close once more, Spock’s fingers tighten in the material of Jim’s shirt.

Jim pulls back abruptly with a started noise, the emotions on his face show pain. “Spock- I’m sorry. I’m sorry I said I didn’t want you in my mind, while we were on Yorktown.” He gasps out. He shakes his head fervently, “I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t mean it.” He says, rambling. “I love you, I love our bond. I love having you so close to me even if you’re far away. I love hearing your witty commentary on my inane thoughts.” He rants, running out of breath. “I shouldn’t have said it. I know that. I just didn’t want you to know what I was thinking or feeling ‘cause it was just- so- agh” He sniffs, “Stupid.” Jim wipes at his own tears angrily, the heel of his hand running over his cheeks.

“I will admit, at the time your words had hurt me. But I am no longer bothered by them. I understand.” Spock soothes him, quietly. “And I understand why you felt that you needed to apply for the Admiralship. Although, I am thankful you have rescinded your decision.” He tells him, and Jim nods. Jim brings his hands up to wipe at Spock’s own tear stained face as Spock continues. “I do not wish to stay on New Vulcan. We needed to be here in order to heal our minds but, this house is- I care for it- but it is not our home. I still want to uncover the universe with you. I wish to be home among the stars with you.” Spock whispers to him silently.

He watches as crystal blue eyes stare into his own. Jim’s face splits into a wide smile. “I just finished crying, and you’re gonna make me cry again.” He whispers back, sucking in a shuddering breath. He nods, a hand absently wiping at his eyes, “I want that too. I want that.”

The bond is vibrating strongly within their minds. The bond, that Jim often says has a mind of its own, is happy at the physical contact and the warm pools of love in both of their minds. No matter what was to come, Spock knows, that he will not leave Jim’s side. He would not have it any other way.

 

* * *

 

 

Jim traces his fingers over the jagged scaring. He knows it will go down in time. The dark coloring and faint emerald tinge from newly regenerated skin will heal and fade. But scarring like this never does fully disappear.

Jim would know. He has scars littered across his body from years of neglect, time off planet, bar fights, and bad away missions. He knows his complexion is scarred and imperfect. But there’s something so unsettling about seeing Spock’s skin blemished.

Spock has always been smooth and perfect, a healthy minty coloring. He’s never seem Spock put on lotion, but he’s always soft, but his skin is never clammy or damp like a humans could be on occasion. Spock has some freckles, faint, little, green polka dots that you can only decipher if you get as close as only Jim is allowed to be.

Jim glances up to look at his Vulcan’s face. His face is relaxed, his eyes closed and his coal black lashes casting shadows above his cheeks. It’s one of those rare moments where Spock is sleeping and Jim isn’t. Spock assured him that he was fully healed, and cleared by Bones, as long as he didn’t overstrain himself too quickly. Jim was slightly envious of the Vulcan healing trance. Spock could receive the same injury as Jim and be out in half the time. Spock always got the Bones’s CMO seal of approval way faster than Jim could ever manage to.

The scarred skin is slightly raised, Jim notes, as his index finger trails over it. He takes note of the pounding, quick heartbeat underneath the skin. A tad bit slower than it would be if Spock was awake.

Bones had commed him and they talked extensively. Bones had tried to get Jim to read him off his vitals from a tricorder, but Jim glared at him until he gave up. Bones had told him, in detail what had happened on the surface of Altamid. He apologized – needlessly – for the scarring, telling him it was the only way he could have managed to get Spock out of there alive until they got to better equipment.

Apparently after Bones had landed the shuttle near where the _Franklin_ had surfaced, he had Jim, Spock, and himself emergency beamed out to the hospital. Bones then ordered Jim to be hooked up and his brain waves monitored, and prepped Spock for surgery while a nurse put a dermal regen on his forehead. Bones was a fucking machine, Jim thought, the coolest, most bad ass healing machine, ever. When he told his best friend that, Bones waved it off and shrugged.

Jim also didn’t let him forget that he flew a fucking alien ship and managed to land it successfully. Bones grumbled and told him he was just glad he survived the whole thing without the ship blowing up spontaneously. But Jim could tell his friend was secretly proud of himself for the whole ordeal, and Jim was proud of him too.

They also got to talk about the way Jim was feeling as of late. And Bones confirmed that his depression had probably just been negatively affected from being out in the black for so long without any shore leave. Bones let him know that it was no big deal, and that once Jim came back to Yorktown he would prescribe him some anti-depressants and see how they went from there. He suggested that Jim also find a temporary therapist to talk to for the time being until the Enterprise was rebuilt.

That part had surprised Jim the most. He had sputtered and gotten confused at Bones’s words. Then Bones informed Jim that Admiral Paris had gotten in contact with Komack, back on Earth, and the ‘Fleet had commissioned that Yorktown be the host building site for a fully updated Enterprise, to be returned to her 5 year mission as soon as she was complete. Jim was speechless, and in awe. He had assumed that since his girl had been decimated, that it was the end.

He figured that the Admiralty would take this as their chance to split them all up. They would commission Spock and Jim to another ship. (Although they always try and split them up, and are met with a firm ‘no. From both Jim and Spock themselves and most of the Vulcan Council.) They would split their bridge crew up, and send Scotty and Keenser off to build a new warp core engine or something, and Bones would probably take an Earth posting so he could see Jo more.

The fact that Admiral Paris… she must have known. She must have known all along that Jim wouldn’t want the posting to Yorktown, even if he got it. Bones said that she had collected and logged all of the crew’s reports, except for those that had been placed on immediate medical leave, like Jim and Spock. He told Jim that he would probably get a message soon stating that they should submit a report on the events ‘as soon as convenient’ for them, and that if he wanted more medical leave, all he had to do was ask.

“How long are we staying on New Vulcan?” Jim asks as soon as he feels Spock wake up through the bond. Spock, saved by Vulcan graces, could be in a hard sleep one moment, and as soon as he’s awake his brain is alert. What was more amusing, (and adorable) was that even though Spock’s brain might be awake, Spock could be very unpersuaded to move from bed.

The bedhead, and the miniscule glare Jim receives indicates that this is one of those times. “I planned on us staying for 5 more days, and then return to Yorktown to be present for briefings, meetings, and reconstruction plans with Scotty. We will then be on shore leave for 20 days after that.” Spock grumbles out, before his head hits the pillow again.

Jim smiles against his stomach, continuing to pet over the scar. Of course, Spock could always decide to get treatments done on it to minimalize the scarring, but Jim knows he wouldn’t do that. Not that Jim would want him to, if he didn’t. But if he wanted to get it, Jim would support him either-

“Jim.” Spock murmurs into his pillow.

“Yeah, baby?” Jim asks, speaking into the skin of Spock’s abdomen.

“Cease thinking.”

“Okay.”

Jim lays his head on top of the strong heartbeat underneath him. He relishes in the feeling of the fast thumps, humming in harmony with the steady beat of their healthy bond.

 

* * *

 

 

“Visitor. Front Door.” Drones the computer as the chime indicates someone at the door. Spock faintly wishes they were aboard the _Enterprise_ where he could ask the computer who it was that wanted in. But because he could not he simply surveyed the front door camera on his PADD. When he sees who is at the door he rushes to answer it.

“Visitor. Front Door.” The computer repeats, and Spock resists the urge to curse at the annoying voice.

As he turns to enter the front hallway he signals the computer, “Front Door. Open.” He commands and the doors slide open to reveal a smiling face.

“ _Tonk-peh_!” Nyota says, her accent as perfect as it has always been. She’s shining, dressed in a fashionable multi-hued robe. It reminds him of something his mother would wear, or something that his mother would try and get Michael to wear without much success. It’s flowing, and obviously tailored for the harsh climate of New Vulcan, as well as to be stylish. Shades ranging from light pink to a deep red.

“Nyota.” Spock says, blinking. “ _Tonk-peh._ What are you doing on New Vulcan?” He asks, genuinely confused.

Nyota continues to smile and walks into the house, the door sliding shut behind her as she does. She shakes a small box in her hand. “I brought something for Jim.” She says and walks through their home as if it was her own. Spock follows as if he is the visitor and not the other way around.

Nyota walks into their living room, where Jim is currently sitting on the couch, watching a movie. “Jim!” Nyota calls out, and Jim startles at the sound of her voice. He sees her and lights up, getting up to greet her in a hug. She returns it with a blissful smile.

“What are you doing here?” Jim asks, excitedly.

“Well…” Nyota starts as she walks off towards their kitchen, leaving Jim and Spock no choice but to follow behind her. “The VSA asked for my assistance with some universal translator issues they’ve been having, and I’m meeting with head of the Language department to discuss some of the languages we’ve encountered so far in the mission.” She says as she makes herself a glass of water. She hops up onto a bar stool to sit at the counter, but faces away from it to face them. She grins, “And I brought you a present.” She says happily towards Jim.

Jim raises his eyebrows, “Uhh… First of all… _awesome_. Second of all… what’s my present?” Jim asks, intrigued.

Spock turns his head towards Jim and mentally chastises him for being a terrible host. Jim fires back with a comment about how Nyota is more comfortable in their house than they are.

Speaking of, Nyota watches the exchange with fondness in her eyes. “Okay boys, no more mind-talk.” She says, and both Spock and Jim flush. Nyota grabs the rectangular package off of the counter and holds it out towards Jim. Jim reaches out to take it from her hand. He looks at her skeptically, and she nods for him to open it.

The package is simple, obviously meant to just be for safe-keeping and not a box meant for decoration or flair. He pulls unhooks the protective lock, and pulls open the lid. He nearly drops the box at the sight inside, and instead clutches it to his chest. His eyes are already wet, and dammit, he doesn’t want to cry. But he’s just so, so happy. Nyota stands and Jim wraps her in a fast hug, wrapping his arms tight around her. Nyota laughs and pets his hair like he’s the golden retriever she claims him to be.

“Thank you.” Jim gasps, “Thank you. Thankyouthankyou.” He chants, drying his tears with a hand over her shoulder.

She squeezes him and pats his back, “It’s not big deal, Captain.” She says quietly. He pulls away from her and smile, his face slightly red. “I replaced the clasp, so you should be good. But if it messes up, just let me know and I’ll fix it back up.” She grins, her own eyes showing a bit of wetness.

She sits back down and takes a sip of her water as Jim stares at his repaired necklace in awe. He’s so thankful that Nyota was somehow able to keep a hold of it. He hadn’t had the chance to ask about where it was, and he had assumed that it was probably lost with the rest of his things on the _Enterprise_ ’s saucer.

Jim breathes out a sigh of relief, and look sup at Nyota in awe. She smiles at him, and glances over at Spock. “Well, aren’t you going to put it on him?” She says, and Spock nods as he looks between the both of them.

Jim picks the necklace up out of the package, taking great care and facing it around the right way. Spock takes it out of his hands and looks at Jim expectantly. Jim turns around, a small smile ghosting over his lips. Spock unclips the pendant and wraps it carefully around Jim’s neck, hooking the clasp back against and making sure it is secure.

Nyota watches them with a small grin on her face, as Jim tucks the necklace into his shirt, and pats it with his hand. He looks over at her and grins, “Back where it belongs.” He whispers. Spock watches him from over his shoulder, his lip pulling up in a small smile. Jim turns his head and catches Spock’s gaze, which gives him a warm feeling all over. He turns to look at Spock and they just trade feelings of affection through the bond.

_Warm. Love. Caring. Affection. Safe. K’diwa. Adun. T’hy’la. Sweetheart. Las’hark T’nash-veh._

They startle when Nyota claps her hands together once, rubbing them like she’s an evil genius. “Alrighty, boys.” She says cheerily. “I’ve got a hot date with the Vulcan Science Academy. So, I must leave.” She stands and hugs them both individually. “I love you both, I hope you have a restive medical leave, and I’ll try and stop back bye before I head back to Yorktown. But, I’ll see you there, right?” She asks and they both nod in unison.

Jim still has his hand resting on the pendant on his chest, and Spock has an almost ridiculously in love smile on his face. She grins, backing out of the room. “You should really quit talking to each other like that, it’s disgustingly obvious.” She informs them. She raises her hand in the classically Vulcan greeting. “ _Dif tor heh smusma.”_ She chimes.

“ _Sochya eh dif.”_ Jim and Spock say in unison, just to see her glare at them before she leaves.

Jim reaches his hand down in between them, two fingers outstretched silently. Spock looks down briefly, before returning the touch, and looking towards his beloved. They will take their time to heal, he decides, and they will be stronger than ever before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, this one was torn from my very soul. Shit, it's been a while hasn't it my dudes? Sorry, bout that. I'll try better next time. This is just one big fluffy pile of fluffy fluff, so I hope it makes you satisfied. But fear not. It has not yet come to an end just yet, for there are more roads to recovery ahead. 
> 
> Also, Jimothy in this seeks help for his depression, which I urge you to do if you are able. If you are unable for whatever reason to reach out to a professional to help you, at least try and talk out your feelings with someone you care about and trust. It will help a lot in the end. No one should have to feel isolated in a world full of people. Hell, if you've read this and feel like you don't have anyone to talk to, feel free to stop by my inbox, I'm always here. Depression can be a nasty thing, but you can always find ways to pull through, trust me, I've been there. With love, Inky.
> 
> As always, I love me some kudos and comments. Especially after writing such a tooth-rotting chapter as this. You can hit me up on Tumblr as well at needles-and-ink. Thanks for the read, my friends...


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